


Two hearts, two continents, one wish

by AmberBenetton



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Death, Developing Relationship, First Time, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Illness, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, Jealousy, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Olympics, Pandemics, Pro Volleyball Player Oikawa Tooru, iwaoi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:07:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27315274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberBenetton/pseuds/AmberBenetton
Summary: Welcome to the Angstweek 2020.> Thanks for @hqangstweek on twitter7 days, 7 themes.Focused on IwaOi.-----Iwaizumi Hajime and Oikawa Tooru - best friends, partners and somehow rivals.They were always aiming for something.That something lead them to walk down different paths for the first time since they met.Iwaizumi, studys of sports science at the UCI in the USA.Oikawa, being a pro in San Juans VBC in Argentina.Locations and time zones may have changed but not their bond.At least that is what they think.Visiting each other will tell them otherwise.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	1. When did it all change?

„Let's go to Kitgawa Daiichi!“ \- They did and graduated from middle school with highly held up chins, brave and proud, heading to the future.

  
„Let's head to the nationals!“ \- And they tried but failed every year, although their team was so good.

  
„Iwa-chan, what are you going to do after school?“   
Oikawa once asked him when they were sitting on the porch during a warm late September day, eating some water melon and doing their homework.   
Preparing for the upcoming exams in fall.  
Iwaizumi did not look up from his textbook, stayed focused and thought for a bit… then replied:  


„Going to study sports science, I guess. Becoming a trainer. “  


„Ehhh?“ Oikawa sat up straight, blinking, „When did you make up your mind so specifically? “  


„Two years ago?“  


„You're joking!“

He couldn't believe that Iwa-chan had such an ambitious goal since… they were in the middle of high school life.  


„Why should I?“ Iwaizumi looked up, too, staring Oikawa in his eyes and then blinked away, „You'regoing to Argentina anyway. So I decided to do it properly and applied for some universities. “  


„You already did?“  


„There are some deadlines to keep, Oikawa.“  


The setter only nodded and smiled sheepishly. Iwaizumi continued reading and marked something with his pencil on a page.  


„Where… do you want to go? “  


„California. UCI. “  


„Wow…“

  
*** * ***

And they did.  
After graduation, they might have three weeks left, but it was all for the preparation of their life abroad.   
Doing the legal stuff – visa, health insurance, immigration papers – but also spending the time with family and friends.  
Then they left their home country for a long time.  
First, everything was so new and precious that it was rare to keep contact.  
After some weeks in San Juan and Irvine, Iwaizumi and Oikawa made appointments for Skype calls.   
It was strange at first, having a video call with the best friend, but they got used to it.  


*** * ***

Almost half a year later it was Iwaizumi‘s turn to visit Oikawa in San Juan.  
He has  never been in Argentina  before,  he did not  know a Spanish word  (Okay, he did. But it would not lead to any good conversation) , but his own being in the US  made it easier to  adapt to the  new culture and its  people . The climate was almost the same as in California. At least now.  
There was not much time difference, only four hours and the sun was shining as bright and warm as at the beach in Irvine.  
  
„Let's get some churros from Abuela!“ Oikawa said happily, almost out of his one room flat and waiting for Iwaizumi, who just grabbed his backpack and closed the door.   
_Abuela _was the landlady of the house Oikawa was living in.

„Shouldn't you lock up?“

„It's okay, it's okay!“

„You shouldn't be so reckless!“ Iwaizumi scolded and followed him downstairs.  They ended up in the common room where the old little woman was standing near the plants, watering them with an orange can.

„Ah, Toto! Iwachan! “  


Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. Everyone  knew him for  Iwachan , but he never got the chance to  tell him that it  was such the stupid nickname,  Oikawa had  given him , not his  real name.   


„Qué tal?“ Oikawa asked and the lady smiled, lifted her tiny shoulders,

„Regulare! Regulare! Toto, estás aquí para los churros? “

„Ah, sí, sí! Abuela, te me conoces bueno! “

  
She laughed and gave them a sign to follow.

Going into the common kitchen, she had some airtight container ready and gave them to Oikawa.  
Thanking for the food – that was at least, what Iwaizumi could do, too – they left the house. Just strolling around. Nothing more.  
Oikawa was talking a lot about his life here, was like a never ending book. Still a lot more pages to write.  
Iwaizumi listened, hum-ed every once in a while and got lost in thought.  


The last days were filled with meeting people. Oikawa's team members. Abuela. His neighbour in the house. Some other people. Getting to know how Oikawa spent his days.  
It was nice. It was fun. But… somehow… Iwaizumi was more listening than talking, consuming everything he heard and saw. Not able to react properly.  


„I'm really happy that Iwa-chan is here!“ Oikawa admitted quietly on one evening, when he was lying in his bed and Iwaizumi on the mattress next to the bed, „It's like in old times. “  


Iwaizumi hum-ed again, his arms flexed behind his head and having his eyes on the dark ceiling.  


„Yeah…“

*** * ***

  
Christmas was around, when Oikawa was standing at the airport of Los Angeles, waiting for his pick-up service.  
He looked at his phone, switched off the plane mode and kept an eye on it, until it found the Wi-Fi of his surrounding.  


_ Sorry, running late for 5 min _  


The message appeared on his screen. Oikawa exhaled and sulked. Seriously?  
They have not seen each other for more than a year and he was running late?

  
Oikawa wanted to sit down on his suitcase, but right at that moment a „Hey, I‘m so sorry! “ in Japanese assailed to his ear.  
His anger vanished in an instant and he turned around, looking into Iwaizumi‘s panting face, reddish cheeks from exhaustion.  


„Sorry, there… was a traffic jam I got caught… “he said but was cut off by Oikawa who flung his arms around his Iwa-chan and did not even mind to tell him he was bothers.  


Iwaizumi put his arms also around the freshly made main setter of San Juan and pulled him closer. Hiding his warm face in the other‘s neck and inhaling his scent. Just for a few seconds…  


„Iwa-chan, you‘re drenched in sweat!“  


„Fuck off the complaining, Shittykawa!“

  
It was also Oikawa‘s first time in the US as it had been Iwaizumi‘s first time in Argentina.  
They went by shuttle bus to the city, took the train and arrived in Irvine.  
Here, Oikawa got to know the student's residence and so where he would sleep the next week.  


Iwaizumi's room was a little bit bigger than his own but chaos was inside.  


„Woah, Iwa-chan is really messy!“ he noticed and got a barked „Shut up! “ from his best friend.  


Still embarrassed, Iwaizumi rubbed his neck;  
„I have some papers to finish and therefore the books.“ ... which layed spread open all over the floor, memos too.  
Oikawa smirked.  


„Didn't know that you‘re such a diligent and hard worker.“  


„You have to be if you wanna succeed.“  


It was an honest and serious answer, Oikawa could only agree to, but something inside him stung.  


What was that?  
  


The next day he would know.  


When Iwaizumi was showing him the campus, talking about the lectures, showing him the labs where diagnostics took place and also the sports ground.   
When they met some fellow students and also _friends_ of him.  
When Iwaizumi laughed so openly, so light-hearted that it put the strings on his own heart tighter.  
  


„S-Sorry… toilet? “ he asked then suddenly and Iwaizumi lifted his eyebrows,  


„Over there“, he pointed with his index finger right in front of them.  


„Thanks.“

He needed a break.  
  
  
Looking into the mirror above the sink Oikawa realised three things:  


First, Iwaizumi and he – they both had started to build up a brand-new life since graduation and got used to it.  


Second, they both evolve. In their own pace but they did. Day by day.  


Third, he had the feeling that…

*** * ***

  
„Oikawa, if anything's wrong, you need to talk to me“, Iwaizumi sighed for the second  time and  looked at his  best friend who was  sitting right next to him in the  sand ,  trying to  focus on the  magazine he was  reading .   


It was meant to be a little break from the exciting week.  
Just the two of them, at the beach, on the towels.   
Enjoying California's sun. Relaxing.  
But the whole day Oikawa was in a mood, Iwaizumi could not identify:  
  
It was not _gloomy_ , although the setter's eyes were dark as fuck.   
It was not _angry_ , although Oikawa sulked every 40 minutes for approximately 15 seconds straight.   
It was not sad, although his shoulders hung to each side effortlessly.  
  
But the fuck, how should he know if Oikawa did not talk??  


  
„It'snothing“ he muttered and Iwaizumi frowned.  


„Yeah. Right. Big nothing that you can't talk to me _at all_. “  


„I'm not in the mood“ he finally let out a bit of his anger.  


„So what mood you're in?“  


„I-- I… I don't know! “ he hissed, turning his head to the side, avoiding eye contact.  


„Okay?!“  


„Really, I don't know!“ Oikawa shouted, furiously.

Then remembering to keep his composure.  
But… it was tiring. Exhausting.  
And he wanted to be angry.  
Angry at the almost 21-year-old Iwa-chan. On the 26th of December.  
He looked at his friend who stayed too calm for his liking.  


„You should be mad at me now!“ he claimed, anger risen from his voice.  


„W-What?“ Iwaizumi sounded surprised, „Why should I? “  


„For me, being overly dramatic! As usual! “  


„Oikawa, there‘s no reason to tell you, you‘re-“  


„The Iwa-chan I know would have!“

That did a large pause between both of them.  
Iwaizumi stared in disbelief and could not close his mouth because the words were stuck on his tongue… he blinked.  


„What… are you…? “  


He did not get! He really did not get it!  


„Iwa-chan is so smart and so eager about his studies!“ Oikawa continued, clenching his fists, „ You laugh so light-hearted around those guys! You're so proud and strong and looking so mature that it scares me! “  


„O-Oikawa…“ Iwaizumi tried again but was cut off once more by the trembling words,  


„I don't talk to you because I don't know what to talk about!“ he finally stated, and it gave both hearts a little crack.  


After three  minutes of  silence ,  Oikawa was just  looking down on his tanned legs on the large towel and  Iwaizumi looking at Oikawa , still not able to answer properly, the latter bit his  lower lip,   


„Okay, I speak my mind, right?“ he began,  „You're trying to tell me… that you don't know me anymore, don't you? “  
Oikawa flinched a bit and lowered his head even more. „ Since when? “  


„Since I arrived.“  


„Wow…“ Iwaizumi shook his head slightly, did not know what to say… Then he looked over to the ocean. „Okay… when I'm being honest with you. I felt the same. Back in Argentina. “  


„What?“ Oikawa looked up, shock.  


„You, living such a bright life… I'm happy for you. Really. I'm really glad that Argentina gave you such a good push forward. I meant it when I said that you'll always be the partner I'm proud of, an amazing setter, someone I don‘t want to lose to. But… I had the feeling that you… that we… drift apart. “

  
  
That was it. The truth.

  
  
„Why didn't you tell me?“ Oikawa whispered,  „Why… why didn't you tell me?! I could have tried to fix it!! “  


„Because you can't fix anything until you give up! And that it something I definitely won't accept! “ Iwaizumi yelled back, his eyes narrowed, looking hurt and in pain. „ And because I hoped that I… was wrong… “  


Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked each other in the eyes.  
The setter was swallowing hard, but that did not help to get rid of the immense lump in his throat.  
How… could they do this? How could they fix this?  


Iwaizumi stood up, all of a sudden.  


„I'll go for a swim. Need to clear my head. “  


He headed for the sea.  
Oikawa did not follow. He watched him, going farther and farther. Reaching the water.  
Far away from him.  


„Fuck…“

A silent tear ran down Oikawa's cheek.

Why did it hurt so much?  
Why was it… like it felt he was losing his best friend?  
His so beloved and important Iwa-chan?  
  
Was it not obvious that change would take place?  
In the process of maturing?  
  
That they would go and develop in different directions?  
  
But why?  
  
How could this happen?


	2. Was I ever enough?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oikawa!“ Oikawa would never forget whose voice could that be but he pretended not to hear. "Oi, Oikawa!"  
> Iwaizumi came over, finally grasping the chance to talk to his best friend face-to-face.  
> "Are you… already leaving?" he asked in slight disbelief.
> 
> Oikawa did not turn around, he was just smiling sarcastically.
> 
> "Of course, no space for losers as you know. We'll have to leave for another important meeting."  
> "Don't talk shit. There aren't any games for us or press conference."  
> "Well, fine for ya!“  
> "It‘s pretty obvious that you ignored me the whole time. What's wrong, Oikawa? What is your fucking problem?" Iwaizumi could not hold back and he saw how his best friends' shoulders stiffened.

The problem of long-distance friendships or relationship was time.  
Different time zones lead to a hardship of communicating with each other.  
One got to bed, the other woke up.  
One needed to run errands, the other had a day off.  
Meeting each other at the same free time was almost impossible.

Another time thing was that time passed by fast.  
It was a week, then a month, three months, almost a year.  
With all the stuff they had to do there was not much free space to complain, to miss or to long for anything they could not have.

So it was not 2014 anymore… it was 2018. The volleyball nation's league. The first world competition like that.  
Five weeks of the tournament for the Argentinian team starting the first in China, Ningbo.  
Five weeks of the tournament for the Japan team starting the first in France, Rouen.   
Four years of pretty rare contact.

After their quarrel it had become weird between them. But they had managed somehow to make it up with each other.  
They both know that lingered in their heart: fear and jealousy. Their were scared to lose each other, frightened and therefore jealous of everyone who was too close to the other.  
Iwaizumi, who was much more pragmatic, cooled down and said to himself that he could not save something which was a responsibility for two.  
He wanted to, he held on to him but he would not interfere if his best friend would move on without him.  
  
Oikawa, who became more impulsive in his emotional outbursts, regarding his Iwa-chan, was desperate to close the more and more widening gap between them and sometimes made things worse.  
Scolding Iwaizumi because he was ten minutes late for their Skype meeting. Making comments which were almost bitchy when the other told him about meeting an interesting female fellow student (But he did not have the intention to date her in anyway! Just interesting as a person!)  
And on the other hand, Iwaizumi became quiet when Oikawa was babbling about his practice with the team or how Blanco‘s training plans were sooo good and let them experience sooo much progress.

With the months passing, they got busier. Iwaizumi had some internships on fulltime base and also had to work part-time, studying and writing essays.  
More than a „I'm fine“ or „Are you okay?“ once in a while was all Oikawa could get. Oikawa was busy with the Argentinian v-league, with practice and also with giving interviews.  
The Argentinian media had finally taken notice of him.  
His schedule was full, although Blanco tried to save his rookie from too much pressure which would not be good for his ego.

They did not meet in person again before 2018.   
The former ace of Seijoh‘s volleyball team graduated in 2017, had his master degree and went back to Japan. Oikawa heard about it via a photo on instagram in which his best friend was linked. Three weeks ago.  
Already - three - weeks!

  
_UCI graduation class – from prospective to proper ATs!_

  
Oikawa hit the anger, the sadness, the disappointment.  
He did not have the time to look through all the feeds, recently, but… should not Iwaizumi told him in person? San Juan‘s setter sat on his bed in the one room apartement, something that had not changed and felt the urge in making a call. He got him on the first try, did not even bother for the time difference.  
When Iwaizumi picked up – it was 9 AM Argentinian time – he sounded surprised:

„Oikawa?“

„Hey… just wanted to congratulate you on your degree!“

There was some strange silence and the alumni simply replied, „Thank you.“

„Are you job-hunting or are you already in busy business with amazing sportsmen?“ Oikawa tried to sound cheerful but really felt his heart sting.

„I… sorry, a moment!“ Iwaizumi seemed to hold his hand over the mic because his voice was dead-sounding and he talked in Japanese to someone. „ _The problem of long-distance friendships or relationship was time.“_

Oikawa's eyes narrowed.  
He heard the sounds of the Japanese train station announcements.  
His heart hurt even more.

„In Cali?“

„No, I… moved back to Japan a week ago.“

It broke.

„Wow…Well yeah, I've been already hired.“ he said sarcastically and put on a grin, although Iwaizumi could not see it.

„Oikawa…“ he sighed.

„No, no! It's all good! Happy welcome back, Iwa-chan! I guess, I'll take my time here in Argentina.“

„Oikawa, please just listen-“

„Well, I'm fine, thanks for asking! And I'm looking forward to the tournament. Be prepared to be beaten!“ 

The last words until the tournament started.  
And it was almost a month until they met with their teams… 17th June 2018, Germany, Ludwigsburg. It was the fourth week.  
In the last three weeks, Oikawa and Iwaizumi had travelled to more countries when they would have ever imagined.  
It was not the best season for the Argentinian volleyball team. They had to battle with handicapped players, young players and a new emergency trainer – Blanco had a heart attack just a month ago and was not to travel that much, causing stress to his already damaged body. He would be fine, but that needed time. All of these factors and changing so many time zones and overcoming so many miles leaded to not so glorious results. The same went for Japan.  
But on the 17th June…

  
„Hey Toto, qué tal bien?“ Miguel asked, the 28-year-old wingspiker of their team and came over to Oikawa's seat of the bus which was driving them from the hotel to the gym, passing by a lot of really charmante streets and buildings. Totally different from the architecture in Japan or Argentina.  
It had so many classical surroundings that you totally wanted to stroll around, taking pictures and doing nothing more than enjoying it. But Oikawa looked down since they arrived at the airport of the city Stuttgart.

„Eh? Ah, sí!“ he smiled and pretended to be just-tired-and-stuff.

„De verdad? Toto… estás cansado? No estás enfermo?“

„Estoy bien.“

Miguel looked at him sceptically but then nodded.  
He slid himself on the empty seat next to him.  
And then he asked if he understood correctly that they were playing against a team, whose team members were not so unfamiliar with Oikawa.  
The setter nodded, but said that they did not have any close relationship and so the topic was finished.

Standing in the gym, in front of each other and greeting by handshake, it was a really awkward feeling inside of him.  
He looked over to them, saw an Ushijima – his worst nightmare during school – and also a delightful Miya Atsumu as their setter. He looked over to the team's coaching staff.  
Seeing unknown faces which belong to the trainers and the PT but also… a fair tanned man with short black hair. Shorter than he remembered. Cautious eyes, watching the athletes and giving them advice as he was in charge as the _national's team athletic trainer_ trainee.  
Then he nearly got caught, because Iwaizumi was looking over at him, Oikawa averted the eye contact, started talking to his own team and act as if he did not take notice of him.  
Of course they would not speak to each other during the game and of course it was not, that Oikawa hoped for something else.  
The last call made it pretty clear that Iwa-chan came back to Japan, build up his life again without him and did not even mind to tell him.  
  
So there was not anything to talk about.  
  
At least that was what he thought.

The game was a good one. Both teams made too many mistakes but in the end they were equal and they had to play a full five set match.  
Still – and if it was just a little bit – the Japan team won 3:2.  
Usually, Oikawa was not that furious about a loss anymore but here… it was different.  
Of course he bowed and of course he congratulated the winners. But he could not look them in the eye. Look _him_ in the eye.  
They went to the changing rooms, took a shower, switched into dry, clean clothes and were about to leave the gym when he suddenly heard his name:

„Oikawa!“ Oikawa would never forget whose voice could that be but he pretended not to hear. „Oi, Oikawa!“

„Toto, este hombre…“ his middle blocker Ben pointed behind them because everyone could have heard it. Oikawa did not have a chance and stopped.  
Iwaizumi came over, finally grasping the chance to talk to his best friend face-to-face.

„Are you… already leaving?“ he asked in slight disbelief.

Oikawa did not turn around, he was just smiling sarcastically,  
„Of course, no space for losers as you know. We'll have to leave for another important meeting.“

„Don't talk shit. There aren't any games for us or press conference.“

„Well, fine for ya!“  
  
He got angry. He did not want to, but it was just natural. Clenching his fists, Oikawa knew that his other team members kept watching them.  
That was… embarrassing…  
Without a word he finally turned around stepping forward and passing Iwaizumi. If he wanted to talk, fine. He had to follow.  
But Iwaizumi was not that dumb. He knew Oikawa well enough that he just wanted to talk in private. So he did not argue about that and kept going.

Finally, when they stood in the staircase, closed door behind them and not sure who else could be dropping an ear from the upper floors above, Oikawa stopped.

„Are we finally talking?“ Iwaizumi could not hold back and he saw how his best friends' shoulders stiffened. „It‘s pretty obvious that you ignored me the whole time. What's wrong, Oikawa? What's your fucking problem?"

And he could not hold back that he was angry, too.

„What _my_ problem is?“ Oikawa hissed and shook his head, then whirling around, „I don't have a problem! _You_ seem to be the one!“

„W-What?!“

„You're the one who shut me out!“

Iwaizumi was startled.  
What was he talking about?  
And why was he so desperate… yelling?!

„If you don't want to be friends with me, okay, but say it!“

There was an unpleasant pause between them and only the glances they were exchanging, said something about the pain which lingered in the core.

„I'll never say anything like that…“ Iwaizumi then answered quietly, looking really hurt, „Oikawa… why should I? You're my best friend since… being toddlers. Why should I want this?“

His voice was trembling, he stared at the setter in disbelief.

„I don't know. Tell me. I wasn't the one of us who moved back, didn't tell a word. I also wasn't the one who graduated, took a lot of selfies with his fellow students but didn't give a damn to tell his oh-so-best-friend about it“ Oikawa mumbled and looked to the side, watching an invisible spot on the wall.  
  
Iwaizumi swallowed and blinked. Tried to say something, tried to find a reason for that… and then…

„I… simply forgot.“

„ _Forgot_?“ Oikawa raged and for this time he was damn right: „How could you even forget something like that??“

„I had a tight schedule around that time, I had too many irons in the fire!“

„Yeah, right.“

„Oikawa, I mean it!!“ Iwaizumi insisted, taking a step towards him, grabbed his hand and wanted to look him in the eye, „I've never wanted to hurt you.“

„But you did.“

Oikawa inhaled, looking up. Wearing an expression of sadness and loneliness in his face.   
As if he was the only one who suffered. As if he was he only one who had to endure…

„Yeah, and I'm sorry!“ Iwaizumi's impulsive self finally exploded, „Fuck it, I'm really sorry, but I can't fix it like this!“

„You can't fix it anyway.“

„Don't be such a stubborn jerk!“

„What? You've been so lovey-dovey with your university buddies all the time!!“ Oikawa yelled, too and that was it.

Now he understood… the problem behind this…

„Really?“ Iwaizumi asked with a low tone and had a strange, little smile on his lips, „It's still about what happened back when?“

He crossed his arms and exhaled deeply. „ _You're_ telling me that... you still can't get over the fact that I had a happy student's life? Do you even know how hard that was?“

He felt betrayed. All the time.

„Of course I do!“ Oikawa insisted, grinding his teeth.

„When why are you putting the saddle on the wrong horse?“ Iwaizumi insisted almost in a whisper, taking a step back and throwing his hands to the side, „Why are you accusing me to let _you_ down?“

„I don't say that you let me down!“

„Of course you do! You act as if you've been the only lonely one here!“ the athletic trainer yelled that it echoed through the staircase, „As if… as if…“

He paused, shook his head, „Really, fuck you, Tooru!“

It was the first time he was using his given name since a long time and he did plan to do it properly, with a smooth, caring tone, telling him finally … but it was gone.   
Oikawa looked at him, still stubborn, still feeling like the victim in here.

Seeing Iwaizumi, who took another step back. Trying to find his composure again.  
Lifting his shoulders, his chin, inhaling. Trying to find strength.

„You know what? I‘m not the one who's incapable of taking care of something important. I made mistakes. We all did. I apologise from the bottom of my heart, but it's not enough. Again. And shall I tell ya something? I can't do this anymore.“

_Can't do this… anymore?_

„I… I know we had a hard time. Over and over again. And the fucking distance didn't make it easier. And yeah, we had to live our lives. And don't ya think that it bothered me more than once, seeing you all happy and shiny in your fucking selfies? But I _accepted_ it, because you were happy!“

Oikawa had never heard Iwaizumi speaking in such a painful tone, never seen him in such an emotional state… it was scary.

„I'd have endured _everything_ , knowing this is just a phase, and we get over it! I believed in us!“ he got louder again and suddenly Oikawa noticed something wet in the other's eyes. Iwaizumi got it by himself, blinked away, giving a hissed „Fuck“ and bit his lower lip. Held his head up high to stop the tear from falling. „But… of course… it isn't enough. It never was. _I_ never was.“

Without another word, Iwaizumi turned around to the door, opened it and walked through.

He couldn't do this anymore – as he said.


	3. I can't lose you, too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Because I can't lose this!“ Iwaizumi yelled back, desperate, because he so wanted to be heard. That Oikawa would listen to him. Just once.
> 
> „What?!“ Oikawa did not understand. He was so enraged, was so tired of these negative feelings, his anxiety regarding Iwaizumi and not knowing what he should do… how could he flip tables again… There was no conclusion for this. „I-I don't… get it. What do you mean?“
> 
> Iwaizumi exhaled with a hearable sound. Was he serious? … Yes. He was. He so was. He really did not get it.  
> Shit…   
> Since when… did they misjudge each other in that way? Since when they were so clumsy to understand each other?  
> He had to show him. He had to make things clear!  
> For the same reason, why he had come here in the first place.
> 
> „I mean… this.“

  
  
In the end they made it to rank no. 14. Japan no. 12.  
They had parted and travelled to Australia and China.  
  
Oikawa's mood had never been this bad.  
He did not talk to his team members in the plane.  
Not to the coach. Not to anyone.   
He simply put his in-ear buds on and listened to that one special song all the time. _The Chainsmokers_, _Young_.   
He started listening to this a while ago. Had a smile on his face everything he did, although he did not know why.   
Now, he listened to the song again but with a more depressive thought on it.

Because… it was… so damn fitting.  
  
  
It fitted so much, that it hurt.  
  


_We were so young when we thought that we knew how to love  
Fought about anything, everything led to dysfunction  
But we just gotta own that shit  
Don't let it go like this  
Maybe we can go from this, yeah_

_We both know I go too far like when I wrecked your car  
And almost fought your father when he pushed me in the yard  
And all those nights we snuck out, like to meet up at the bar  
Don't worry, my love, we're learning to love  
But it's hard when you're young_

_Yeah, it's hard when you're young_

_Caught, we were caught up in the high, it was better than drugs  
Too high to see that it would all lead to destruction  
At least we both know that shit  
We just gotta own that shit  
I hope that we can go from this, yeah_

_I'm calling you up, you tell me it's over  
Say what you want, but it's hard when you're young_

  
  
Around December, Oikawa had to visit Japan for the first time in all these years again.  
His family insisted, of course, and he did not have any excuse to stay in Argentina.  
  
So he stepped out Narita Airport and made his way to the station, heading to the Shinkansen which would bring him directly to Sendai.  
It was strange, being here again and first, Oikawa really had difficulties in understanding the fast speaking Japanese, getting used to the immigration process, etc.   
He was a bit exhausted, when he finally took his seat in the train.  
His eyes wandered off the window, and he watched the passing landscape, the small towns, nature.   
Somehow he did not even know what he should expect from this visit.  
He did not even feel too eager about being back.  
  
Of course, he had messaged Makki and Mattsun that there was a chance to meet but after they replied that they wanted to ask Iwaizumi, too…  
He just replied _Not necessary._  
Now they thought that their former ace was already informed but that was not the case at all.  
He hid it. He was doing the same as Iwaizumi with his graduation and homecoming stuff.  
And Oikawa did not care.  
  
„Tooru, okaerinasai!!“ The welcome by his family — his parents, his sister and his nephew — was really heart-warming and for a second he forgot every distress, everything that kept bothering him.  
  
„Come here!“ his mother almost cried, wrapping her arms around her so much taller son, hugging him and looked at him surprised, „You're really a handsome“ she nodded which lead to an embarrassed „Mom! “ from Oikawa, who blushed.  
  
His nephew laughed and Oikawa gave him a sulking glance.  
  
„Takeru… you've grown a lot, didn't you?“he teased him because Takeru only measured around 1,75 m — a bit taller than his mother but not much. He knew it was his weak spot and being the generous uncle he had always been it was just natural to grin at him and ruffled through his short black hair, which he wore with sidecuts.   
„Stop it, old man!“, he growled, dodging Oikawa's hand and frowned at the comment.  
Oikawa lift his chin up and smirked.  
Takeru was much more handsome when he would ever imagine him to be. He had a good taste in fashion, wearing the newest trends but still give it his personal taste. He started university two months ago, going for cultural science as his sister Sae had told him via Skype.  
  
„Well, let's get inside. Tooru, wanna have a cup of tea? “ his father asked.  
  
„Green?“  
  
„Of course.“  
  
„I'd murder for it!“  
  
They sat down in the living room and for the first time in forever Oikawa noticed how less but also how much had changed in the past five years. His father's hair was fair gray, his mother's had some silver strains. His sister in her almost-40s got some wrinkles around her eyes. And of course, seeing Takeru as a university student showed him how much time has passed since he went abroad.  
  
They talked about anything and everything, enjoyed the tea and some snacks Oikawa Keiko had prepared. It was a comfortable visit and of course he was invited to stay here.  
„What? You still haven't got rid of my stuff?“ Oikawa joked, but when he entered his old room, standing in front of the long and low table where he had always done his homework, seeing the bookshelf to his left, still filled with his books he had not brought to Argentina with him…  
It was some kind of nostalgia which caught him.  
„Well, you've never been the chaotic kind of guy, eh?“ his sister claimed, leaning at the door frame and smiling, „I can't remember that you ever put up a poster or so since you‘ve entered middle school.“  
„Yeah, found it distracting“ Oikawa replied and turned around, „I wanted to stay focused.“  
„You were obsessed“ she corrected and he laughed.  
„Maybe, but you know where I am right now.“  
„It wasn't your own success.“  
  
Oikawa looked puzzled.  
  
„What do you mean?“  
„If there hadn't been Hajime-kun, you would end up on the sidelines.“  
  
  
  
  
He swallowed hard and gave her a fake smile.  
  
  
  
  
„If you want to put it like that?“  
His sister stayed silent a moment and she knitted her brows.  
„What's wrong?“ she asked immediately after, „Why you're giving me that grin?“  
„Eh?“ She came over and stopped in front of him. Slapping him slightly his cheek. „Ouch, Sae, what was that for?“ Oikawa complained and rubbed his poor left cheek.  
  
„Because you're an idiot.“  
  
„Stop insulting me!“  
  
„When you stop being such a jerk! You two had a fight, hadn't you? “  
  
„Who?“  
  
„You and Hajime-kun of course.“  
  
„Why should we?“ he laughed, unable to cope with the fury which was seething inside him.  
  
„I don't know and it doesn't matter. But you always have that dumb grin on your face when you fight with him! “  
  
Oikawa did not talk back to that. Of course, she was right.  
  
„Will you see each other while you're around?“  
  
„I don't think so.“  
  
Sae sighed and put her hand on her hips.  
  
„Tooru… talking in confidence… don't do this. Don't… just shut people out.“  
  
„What?!“ He lifted his head in disbelief, „What… why--!! I don't shut him out!! He was the one who did this!“  
  
„You sound like a child.“  
  
„Sae, I don't have to give me that shit“ he raged at her and looked aside. „It's none of your business whether I‘m happy friends with him, broke up with him or anything else, okay?“  
  
„Okay, okay!“ she threw her arms in the air, a sign that he should calm down, „You're old enough. Sorry. I just… don't want you to throw away what's so important to you. Good night. We'll head home now. “  
  
Sae turned around, left him here, standing in the middle of his room, and Oikawa only heard how she was saying good-bye to her parents, also Takeru, who came here right after and waved at him, then it all turned silent. 

  
  
*** **   
  


  
  
„Oikawa, it has been a while! Old pal!“ Hanamaki laughed cheerfully and gave him a long hug, „It's great to see you! Wow, you're more tanned than anyone here!“  
  
„Not so difficult if you have the southern sun all day shining on your face“ Oikawa replied and returned the hug with his own, „How's it going?“  
  
„Not so bad. Changing jobs at the moment.“  
  
„What are you working?“ their former captain raised his eyebrows.  
  
„At the moment? In a fashion store. “  
  
„He's selling the hot stuff!“ Matsukawa put his arm around Hanamaki's shoulders, who just released his old friend a second before.  
  
„I see, in Tokyo, right?“  
  
„Yes, it's the big city life!“, Hanamaki grinned, „We're sharing an apartment. The rent is just too high if you're single.“  
  
Matsukawa nodded and put his hands back in his pockets because the cool freeze was much stronger today than yesterday.  
  
„Yupp. The funeral parlour's loan is well enough. We lead a good life! “ he joked, and then they started heading for the comfortable café which just opened a while ago, as Oikawa was told.  
  
„You have to invite me the next days to the home of yours, okay?“ Oikawa laughed and both of them nodded.  
  
„Sure, but I'm sorry to tell you that you won't be the first VIP of our squad.“  
  
„I can live with that, Makki.“  
  
The three of them entered the café and looked for a nice space in one of the bigger back corners. Seated in navy blue upholstery furniture, having a large round marble table in front of them, they received the menu quickly. It looked more expensive than it was and so Hanamaki and Matsukawa decided for large latte macchiatos whereas Oikawa could not decide at all.  
  
„I've really missed our drinks! Guess I'll have a yuzu tea. “  
  
„You're getting old, man!“ Matsukawa laughed and after they had ordered, they leaned back and getting more relaxed in this warm place. „It's really been five years, hm?“ Hanamaki rested his head in his palm and smiled nonchalantly, „ I'd never thought that we would become cool adults.“  
  
„Wait, you're describing yourself as an adult?“ Matsukawa acted all surprised.  
  
„Ah shut up!“  
  
„Hey, let us ask our captain. You're the youngest in your team, right? “  
  
„Yeah, you can say so“ Oikawa nodded.  
  
„Isn't it always like being a _kouhai_?“  
  
„Hm… I don't think so.“ He looked up to the ceiling, crossing his arms and gave a thoughtful glance to the meme couple in front of him. „The team members are really kind, and they don't treat you like a rookie. If you act respectfully and give your best, they're willingly to accept you and treat you equally. Natural, isn't it? “  
  
Hanamaki's and Matsukawa's eyes widened.  
  
„I mean… why shouldn't it be the other way around? You can learn from the younger ones. You can also learn from the elder ones. A mixture of both gives you so much more opportunities during practice but most over in a game“ Oikawa went on, loosing himself a little bit in his explanations because he thought of the five years he had been spending in San Juan. „Somehow we are all _senpai_ and _kouhai, _and so I guess, it's just as easy as that.“  
  
„Wow“, Hanamaki was the first to react after some seconds of silence, „You really changed.“  
  
„Eh?“  
  
„Yeah, think so, too“ Matsukawa nodded, „You've really matured, Oikawa .“   
  
„Ah, talking about mature people…“ Hanamaki suddenly stood up, was waving to the front door and smiled. Oikawa stiffened. He knew it. He should have been prepared. But he was not.  
  
„Sorry, I just talked to Iwaizumi the other day, and he was free, so I asked him to come“ Hanamaki explained and shuffled himself out of the corner to welcome the fourth of them.  
  
„Yeah, Taka was a bit surprised to hear, that he didn't know anything about you, coming back?“ Matsukawa added and gave Oikawa a suspicious look.  
  
„Really?“ the asked one said but was rescued, because both men were already coming back.

„Hey, nice to see you, Mattsun“ Iwaizumi greeted in his normal voice.  
  
„Same, same“, Matsukawa replied smiling and then… there was an utterly wrong silence.  
He did not look at Oikawa. Oikawa did not look at Iwaizumi. Still he had to sit next to him, because Hanamaki took his old seat, and somehow it was a little bit better being next to him instead of having the former ace facing him. His heart was still pounding because of this fucking anxiousness, but Oikawa could deal with it. He hoped so.  
  
„Wow… is everything alright?“ Matsukawa leaned forward. The waiter came around and brought their drinks, so the silence continued for a longer moment. Iwaizumi took his chance to order a simple black coffee and also the chance to change topics. Clever him.  
  
„So, what have you planned for today's meeting?“  
  
„Nothing, just hanging around. Maybe some karaoke? Oikawa, you're in, right?“  
  
It was a try to get them together again.   
Of course they sensed, that Oikawa and Iwaizumi had their difficulties. They were familiar with that behaviour. In the three years of being Seijoh students, Oikawa and Iwaizumi had two big fights and had not spoken for two weeks straight. The stern atmosphere continued, when they still had to play with each other in the same team. The uncomfortable silence between them and some trouble's brewing, which put pressure on the whole team. But they made up. And Hanamaki and Matsukawa bet on it, this time, too.  
But… it was not to fix so easily…  
  
„Sorry, think I'll pass“ Oikawa put his lips into a thin line and drank some of his hot yuzu tea.  
  
Iwaizumi did not reply to that.  
It was for all the better in the end.   
If he had, it would be something provocative. He did not want to be like this. Did not want to make it hard for his friends he had not seen for a long time.  
  
„You can't!“ Matsukawa insisted, „You're our karaoke king. Have you forgotten?“  
  
„Maybe. Five years of volleyball took my singing skills away, anyway. “  
  
The waiter came back again and brought the cup of black coffee.  
Iwaizumi still stayed silent.  
  
„Well, then Iwaizumi had to replace you! As the former vice captain, you're in charge now! “ Hanamaki looked over to their ace. He took the cup in his hand, nipped and then simply said:  
„You know that I can't sing.“  
  
„Still the same, still the same“ Matsukawa laughed.  
  
„See, you have to come, Oikawa.“  
  
„Well…“  
  
„Just let him be.“  
  
…  
  
Was that true? Did Iwaizumi just… Did he really defend him?  
The athletic trainer trainee put down the cup and looked at the marble table's surface.  
  
„We're not high school students anymore.“  
  
That set the ball rolling.  
  
No. That was not defense.  
  
It was a clear statement, that Iwaizumi did not want to be integrated in the group like in old days.  
He did not want to stay in contact with him anyway, right?  
At least that was, what Oikawa's furious and desperated heart told him.  
  
„Uff… Iwaizumi… that was harsh… “ Matsukawa pouted a bit and looked over to Oikawa who tried to remain calm. He could read it from the brown haired one's eyes. His shoulders, which were trembling a bit. „Hey… Taka… I… have to go somewhere. Accompany me?“  
  
„Huh? That sounds so nasty! “ Hanamaki grinned but only as an alibi. He got it.  
  
The other two of them got it, too: They wanted to give them space. Space to talk. But not enough space to run away. If they tried, they would be certainly stopped! „Come on, just make up and kiss, okay?“ Hanamaki teased, but none of them could laugh.  
He and Matsukawa left their places and went to the entrance, just taking a deep breath outside and discussing stuff. That was more than just a quarrel between friends... there must have happened something else.

  
*

  
  
The silence went on. Like poisonous fog, you could not avoiding inhaling, it continued to hurt you more and more and more. And then, all of a sudden, you could not breathe anymore. The pain scale would show a 7 of 10, he had already accomplished unwillingly.  
His chest tightened, and Oikawa wanted to grab his shirt, pull it away from his skin, because he felt like being dressed in a too tight corset.  
But he should not wait. He should not wait until Iwaizumi took any kind of action. He wanted to be the one in the offense!  
  
„Why did you even come?“ Oikawa asked quietly, „You know I didn't tell you that I'm back for vacation.“  
  
„Obviously “, Iwaizumi simply stated, holding the cup of coffee with both hands and staring down into the black liquid, which devoured him little by little. Baring his claws and reaching out to him, since he entered the café.   
Of course, he knew. Hanamaki's call was too naive, how he had tried to convince him coming, too – but when Iwaizumi answered, that he did not know anything about Oikawa's visit, it all went weird, and after five more minutes he had agreed to Hanamaki's pleading.  
  
„So, why are you here? Wanna humiliate me even more?“  
  
„Don't be ridiculous.“  
  
Oikawa hissed and looked in front of him. He was not in the mood for this.  
  
„I am ridiculous? Sorry… but I just wanted to spend some days here with my family and friends. Nothing more. I'm not here to pick another fight with you. Everything was said, wasn't it? You left me. You left and… ah, fuck it!! “ he shouted and stood up abruptly. Fumbling in his jacket pocket for some coins and put them on the table. „I'll go home.“  
  
„Oikawa!“  
  
Iwaizumi did the same, threw the money for the coffee on the table and started following him.  
They exited, passing the irritated Hanamaki and Matsukawa, who were shouting but the two squabblers did not react.  
  
„Stop following me!!“ Oikawa yelled, fastening his steps and tried to… escape. He really tried to escape from his best friend – or not best friend.   
Whatever they were!

„I won't!“ Iwaizumi sped up and the setter could hear his harsh steps right behind him.  
  
„Fine!!“ He stopped, turned around and looked at him, in his green irides, „So, why the fuck are you following me?? “  
  
„Because I can't lose this!“ Iwaizumi yelled back, desperate, because he so wanted to be heard. That Oikawa would listen to him. Just once.  
  
„What?!“ Oikawa did not understand. He was so enraged, was so tired of these negative feelings, his anxiety regarding Iwaizumi and not knowing what he should do… how could he flip tables again… There was no conclusion for this. „I-I don't… get it. What do you mean?“  
  
Iwaizumi exhaled with a hearable sound. Was he serious? … Yes. He was. He _so_ was. He really did not get it.  
Shit…   
Since when… did they misjudge each other in that way? Since when they were so clumsy to understand each other?   
He had to show him. He had to make things clear!  
For the same reason, why he had come here in the first place.  
  
„I mean… _this_.“  
  
Iwaizumi stepped forward, overcoming the last two meters between them. He did not hesitate anymore, because he had to take his courage in both hands, and stopping would mean _stop completely_. _Make it worse_.   
So he leaned in and pulled Oikawa on the seam of his dark-brown oversized coat.  
Pulled him closer. So much closer.   
Iwaizumi did not wait, took the plunge and let his right hand rest on Oikawa's waist, hindering him to pull back.   
Cupping Oikawa‘s cheek with his left hand, and then just pressed his lips on the other ones.

The kiss was in a hurry, but still Iwaizumi was able to make it gentle, giving Oikawa chills, because it tickled his smooth skin.  
  
He widened his eyes already in shock, when he was not only that close to Iwaizumi like he had been in years, but also felt the warmth. Smelt the delicious scent of his after-shave. And finally… feeling these lips… so much softer than he had ever imagined.  
  
Stop! When _had_ he ever imagined, that…?!  
  
„This is what I can't lose, too“ Iwaizumi finally whispered when their lips parted, „I… can't lose _you_ , Tooru. “  
  
  



	4. I wish this never happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Who’s that girl?“ Hanamaki asked surprised.  
> She clung on the former ace's left arm, laughed and Iwaizumi returned it with a smirk. She was pretty, had short hair — chin length — and wore a perfect red lipstick. They almost had the same height, she did not wear high heels. Her legs were long, well shaped, stuck in elegant boots. Showing off, because her skirt was cute and short, hidden under the long coat.  
> „… Yoshimura Makoto…“ Oikawa hissed. Disgusted.  
> „Eh? Who?“  
> „The tofu shop owner’s daughter.“  
> „Who?“  
> „One of the girls who had a crush on Iwa-chan since high school. Makki, buy this for me, okay? I have to follow them!“  
> Oikawa threw the bracelet into Hanamaki’s hands who caught but went with a „Woah“ and turned his head to his brown haired friend,  
> „Oikawa, you won’t-“  
> „I will! I certainly will!“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Trigger warning: described sexual action.

A fight.  
A kiss.  
Words of honesty.  
Green eyes which looked scared but also longing for him.

„I-Iwa-chan… what…?“

Oikawa tried to get his composure together. That… that… Iwaizumi… Iwa-chan… that he kissed him… that was…

„Since when… have you…“ He could not speak in full sentences. It was impossible.  
His heart was still pounding, his pulse rushing the blood through his veins.

Iwa-chan kissed him.

„Same question goes for you“ Iwaizumi said, not letting him go, but remembered that they were not in America or Argentina and that being that close, kissing and moreover being two men, was not something people appreciated much.  
He lost his grip, took a small step back.

„I… I don’t… I mean…“ He was startled. Blushed. If he looked in the mirror, he would have seen the disaster he was hin. It was pretty clear how he felt about this.  
But for Oikawa it was something he had never thought of. Not… that it became real.  
  
„That’s not fair“ he whispered, lowering his head, „It’s… not fair that you’re doing something like that when I‘m trying to get over you.“

„Get over me?“ Iwaizumi sounded curious, „You… have to _get over me_?“  
Because it was like a confession he just made. „In what kind of way?“

„I-I…“

„Oikawa… _Tooru…_ “

_Not fair!!_

„… Why… you have to get over me?“

„Because… because it won’t work!“ he finally expelled and shook his head. „Look, we’re both more than a few miles away. It’s not Tokyo with almost 400 kilometers distance, it’s Argentina with about thousands of kilometers! 12 hour difference in time! And… and I don’t know when I’ll ever come back to Japan!“ He tried to find excuses. Good excuses. „We had it, hadn’t we? We tried and we failed.“

„What did we try?“

Why was he so calm and composed? Why did he act so extremely fucking mature than Oikawa felt like almost vomiting because of his overwhelming feelings. Having a mixture of happiness inside but also of pure fear.  
  
„When you visited. When I visited. We built up a whole new life! We did not match anymore! And then… then you graduated, you came home and I didn’t know anything about it! And then you said these things in Germany which messed up the whole trip!!“

„Tooru…“

„And now… now you’re even kissing me! And I don’t know what to do because I’m… I’m somehow happy, but I’m also so damn angry at you! And… and… I have a verbal diarrhea right now and just want you to stop me, even if you have to kiss me once more, and-“  
  
Being cut off.  
  
Iwaizumi’s lips met Oikawa’s a second time.  
But this time he did not only stand still. Of course, he was perplexed first, but then could react.  
Moving his lips, tilting his head a bit, so they could arrange themselves in a better angle. His arms around Iwaizumi’s neck and then also shifting his tongue, when the other opened his mouth a bit.  
  
Iwaizumi groaned quietly, welcoming the other tongue with his own and pleading to dance, twirling softly around each other and enjoying the moment.

Again they parted.  
  
„I’ll always stop you this way, if you let me“ he muttered, looking Oikawa in his warm, brown eyes.

*****

It was the beginning of something fierce. Something magical.  
  
Emotions, long time hidden or held back, finally coming to the surface. Exploding in the brightest colours like a summer firework in the sky.  
  
Oikawa would spend a week in Japan and these were the most exciting seven days he could ever remember. (except travelling to Argentina totally on his own, back when)  
The same day they kissed and told each other about their feelings, he got to know more about Iwaizumi’s life.  
Went with him to his apartment. A two-room flat with a halfway big enough kitchen unit and more importantly a separated bedroom.

  
They talked, talked a lot about the problems they had. About the fact that Iwaizumi had not told him anything about him leaving the US. About the negative feelings. The jealousy. Both were surprised that they did not differ too much. It made them laugh.

  
Iwaizumi offered him a simple dinner, Oikawa agreed to. Sitting with Iwa-chan at the same table, eating with soft dimmed light. Some meal, Iwa-chan prepared… he could nothing but smile.  
A smile full of love. And that was, that followed.

  
The first night, Oikawa wanted to take the couch but Iwaizumi insisted on sleeping in the bed. In the end, his bed was big enough for both of them. He would never forget how it felt to sleep side by side again but now filled with more than happiness about having Iwa-chan around. The feeling in his guts was so immense that Oikawa could not find sleep.  
He stared at the dark ceiling, rolling over to one side, rolling over to the other but it did not help at all.

  
„Still awake?“ Iwaizumi asked quietly, not sleepy at all. His voice was soft but awake.

„Yeah… you?“

„Me too.“

They stayed silent for a moment and then the former ace rustled with the bedsheets, the mattress gave in. He rolled over, was now much closer to Oikawa.  
His warm breath tickled against the setter’s neck. Got his hackles raised.  
Iwaizumi’s strong arms embraced him tightly, pulling him with the back to his chest.

  
„I can feel your heartbeat through your spine“, he mumbled and had his lips slightly pressed against the bare skin of Oikawa’s shoulder girdle. Snuggling.

„W-Well who‘s fault is that!“ Oikawa tried to stand his ground but failed.

A small laughter came out of Iwaizumi’s closed mouth and the second after the little spoon felt the strong hand running over his torso, downwards to his abs.  
Oikawa shivered, giving in to the little moan which escaped.  
  
It was like a confirmation for Iwaizumi to continue the soft touching, exploring the other man’s body step by step… slowly…

„I love how… your skin feels under mine“, he whispered and this let bit Oikawa his lower lip because it gave him too many hot images.  
  


They did not give in too much, but it was the first time that Oikawa let himself be touched by another man.  
Someone he had dreamt of, someone he more than appreciated and was so overly in love that every single stroke, every single kiss and even every teasing was nothing more than being catapulted to cloud nine.

The first time he was risen to crescendo because of Iwaizumi — right next to him, talking to him in sweet and dirty words, offering him a guilty pleasure.  
When he wanted to return this favour to his Iwa-chan, the latter had to decline.  
He was so reddened in the face that Oikawa could even see it in the dark of night.  
Iwaizumi had already seen the stars just by giving the setter so much attention and hearing his overly sensual melodies that whose voice was able to sing.

*****

Waking up in the morning, Oikawa tried to still make up for that beautiful experience but it ended in a mess. Iwaizumi was not exactly the kind of guy who liked to have breakfast in bed — and they really quarreled about bread crusts and cheese parts in bed. The cycle had always been like this — harmony, fighting, making up — but having a relationship make it worse.  
They loved more but they also worried more. Everything was in balance but it was overwhelming.  
So it was not a surprise, that Oikawa was in his sulking mode while Iwaizumi ignored him. That they needed almost the whole day to make up.   
When Iwaizumi was caressing his skin finally, making amends for the last few hours in a pretty talented way. Living the lust which was held back all day.  
 _Fucking hormones..._

„I-Iwa-chan~ mhm… w-wait… d-do you…“

„What?“ Iwaizumi mumbled, kissing the elegant sideline of Oikawa’s neck, leaving a mark near the collarbone which turned out in a beautiful violet.

„I mean… have you?“ He was bent over Oikawa, his hand next to his boyfriend’s head and looked down, puzzled.

„Have what?“

„You know... sex with a guy?“

Now he understood. Iwaizumi sighed and looked away. Also blushing.

„Well… no. I… I mean I’ve read it… about preparation and everything…“

„M-Me too…“

Now he was surprised. It was only their second evening, but waiting for something like that led to much faster speed.  
And Oikawa confessed just right now, that he also did his homework.  
...   
Iwaizumi had to know. He simply wanted to know, out of curiousity:

„Since when… you’d wanna do it with me...?“

„… A long time“ Oikawa's answer was wishy-washy.

„Come on, be honest.“

„Since… I was eighteen.“

Wow… that _was_ a long time. But he meant it. His eyes showed no mistake.   
_Shit…_

„Did you… imagine-“

„Yeah“ Iwaizumi was cut off, who swallowed hard and lowered his head again, nipping with his lips on Oikawa’s collar bone, downwards.

  
„Did you touch yourself while thinking of me?“ He took the left nipple between his lips, teased it with its tongue that Oikawa moaned quietly.

„S-Sometimes…“

He came face-to-face one more time, looking Oikawa straight in the eye.   
It had always been like that. When it came to the point, they did not need any words. They just had to be like that: looking at each other, observing every detail of reaction.  
Nothing more. And they would understand.  
It lift up Iwaizumi's right corner of his mouth and he sat up straight for a moment, pulling his shirt over his head.  
Oikawa's brown irides slid down, recognising the noticeable muscles of Iwa-chan's chest, abs and arms. Delicious.  
 _How cruel!_ He could never resist. _Never_.

„You don’t know what you’re doing to me“ Iwaizumi muttered.  
Knowing too well, what he meant, Oikawa just provoked an inappropriate answer with asking in return: „What… am I doing to you?“

Smirking... Iwaizumi took the chance, leaning in another time and whispering his darkest desire into his lover’s ear.

"You make me wanna fuck you until you'll cum, screaming my name in pleasure."

That silent promise was kept.  
Still it was not only Oikawa who would fill the apartment with his longing sounds of being loved.

  
*****

In the third night, they met with Oikawa parents. It was not that they wanted to reveal their relationship or anything like that, but Oikawa’s family really liked Iwaizumi and also had not seen him in a person for a long time.  
His parents were not surprised to hear that her son was staying over at his place. They were best friends, so it was only natural, right?

  
„Hajime-kun, it’s so nice to have you here!“ Oikawa’s mother Keiko pulled him in a hug.

  
Smiling and also hugging her he nodded and then greeted his father Shinosuke with a handshake.

„Already got used to your Japanese life again?“ Shinosuke laughed and Iwaizumi agreed:

„More or less. Spending five years abroad was something totally different.“

They sat down in the living room at the dining table.  
Keiko had prepared a light meal after the phone call she had had before with her son:

  
 _„Tooru, dear, is meat still okay? You know, I’m not sure what sportsmen are eating?“_ _  
__„It’s okay, mom. That hasn’t changed!“ he had rolled his eyes on the phone._ _  
__„Oh, and chopsticks are-“_ _  
__„Mom, we’re not alien or became fork-guys!“_

  
  
„I’m happy to have agedashi tofu again!“ Iwaizumi smirked and Keiko was a little bit irritated about it.

„Hajime-kun, you became such a bright person.“

„Really?“ he asked, raising his eyebrows, „I didn’t notice.“

„Yeah, you’re much more… how should I put this… you’re more cheerful. During school, you always looked so gloomy.“

„Well, I didn’t have to take care of Tooru.“

„Ha ha.“

  
Having dinner and talking about this or that it was way more comfortable when Oikawa had imagined. There were not any strange questions because they knew Iwaizumi too well. If fact they had seen him grown up like their own child and now, as adults, he still got along well with Oikawa’s family, which was really relieving.  
Things changed when his father put out the sake bottle and cups and poured some in each of them, while his mom was in charge of cleaning the dinner.

  
„I’ll help you“, Oikawa offered and went over to the kitchen unit.

„So, tell me, Hajime-kun“ he heard his father speak through the open doors, „You’re just getting used to live her again and started your new job but… any girl in mind? Dates? Maybe a fiancée from the US? Any future plans about that?“

  
Iwaizumi stiffened a bit and sat up right. He thanked for the cup of sake and nipped a bit, being told that it was a really old and good one. Fruity.

  
Oikawa, in the kitchen, stayed silent of course but could not help to drop an ear while he took a towl to wipe the wet dishes, Keiko was cleaning in the sink.  
She was talking about a neighbour he also knew, but his focus stayed with Iwaizumi and his father, giving his mom just now and then a hum to act as if he was listening.

  
„Well“ his boyfriend began and took another nip of the alcohol, „… I haven‘t thought about this, yet.“

„Really? There weren’t any beautiful women over there?“

„Of course“ he said with a sheepish smile, rubbing his head, „Well… I’ve dated a few…“

  
  
That hurt.

  
  
„But it didn’t work out, as you can see.“

  
  
That _really_ hurt.

  
  
„Oh, I’m sure you’ll find yourself a beautiful girl to get married. Wanna have kids?“ his father continued, not having the slightest clue that the _not working part_ was because Iwaizumi had felt soon enough that he was not attracted to girls at all.

For Shinouske it was just the typical youth problem — being focused on one’s goals, one’s dreams and being unable to get into a real relationship because it seemed to be more of a sacrifice than a winning aspect in life.  
Iwaizumi stayed silent for a moment.  
  
It was, when Oikawa throw the towel over his shoulder and came back to bring a small bowl with some traditional snacks his mother had asked him for.

  
„Well… Iwa-chan‘s still not popular with girls“ he chirped and putting down the bowl with a loud clank right in front of his boyfriend who batted an eye.

„Oh, I don’t think so“ Shinosuke laughed, looking at his son, then to Iwaizumi.

He let out a melancholic sigh and smiled gently,

„Look at you, two. Both grown-up, becoming such handsome, intelligent and strong men. It’s hard to accept as a parent that your child is already old enough to drink liquor and having a driving licence“ he laughed.

„My, my! Don’t start pouting!“ Keiko came over and putting her hands on her hips, giving her husband a censorious glance, „Every time you’re drinking you became like that. Right after the first sip!“

Iwaizumi just smirked. The same as usual… they really were a happily married couple. For… at least 20 years now? 30? That seemed so far away…

  
„But I have to disagree with you, Tooru. Hajime-kun had always been pretty popular.“

„W-What!?“ It came synchronously and Iwaizumi almost choked.

„Of course. Yes, I was always proud of my son’s pretty face but entering high school, Hajime-kun received a lot of attention. Don’t tell me, you two didn’t notice?“

  
They did not look at each other, somehow it was embarrassing, and they did not reply.

  
„There was this girl… what was her name… ah, right! Mako-chan!“ Keiko said cheerfully. „Remember Mako-chan, the tofu store clerk’s daughter? Such a cute girl!“

Iwaizumi blinked.

  
„ _Mako-chan?_ “ he repeated, „Yoshimura Makoto?“

Oikawa’s mother nodded and Oikawa himself narrowed his eyes.

„I met her a while ago in LA. She had studied human medicine in Irvine.“

„Oh, you had contact?“

„Sometimes. The campus was really big. Actually, we did not meet before senior year. In the end she was the only one in Irvine who saved me from forgetting all my Japanese before returning home“ Iwaizumi laughed.

  
That _really, really hurt._

  
  
„Lucky Mako-chan“ Oikawa muttered, still standing next to the table.

  
But Iwaizumi heard it well enough and gave him a questionable look. He tried to ignore this.

  
„Oh that’s why! Her father told us, she had met an old friend and was happy to meet him there by coincidence, getting along with him again.“

„Iwa-chan, are you sure you’re not taken?“ Oikawa smiled with a sharp undertone in his words, „Guess, she would be a very happy wife!“

  
He turned around, went back to the kitchen and throw the towel on the worktop.  
His mind sent him different scenes.

  
  
Iwa-chan meeting this girl who had a crush on him since high school.  
Iwa-chan talking with her in a café, laughing over nonchalant topics.  
Iwa-chan taking her hand when she looked over to him.  
Both saying good-bye to each other but then felt the urge to kiss…  
Both on bed, touching each other’s body...

  
Unbearable.

When they were on their way, returning to Iwaizumi’s flat, Oikawa did not say a word.  
It was okay, first, but after a while it really pissed Iwaizumi off.  
That stubborn, idiotic attitude…

  
„Could we just stop for a moment and you tell me, what’s wrong?“ he insisted, stopped walking and waiting for an answer, in the middle of the housing complexes they had been walking so many times during their student’s life at Seijoh.

Oikawa did not object but turned around. His eyes filled with scornfulness that it gave Iwaizumi some chills. But it changed when he looked at his boyfriend, became sadder and also painful.

„Nothing’s wrong. I’m just not so eager to hear about your love life before… us“ he explained calmly and put his hands in his large coat pockets.  
Iwaizumi was taken by surprise.

„What do you mean?“

„Mako-chan?“

Relieving a long sigh, Iwaizumi took a step towards him.

„That was nothing.“

„Yeah, you said, you had some dates before.“

„It was just to finish that stupid conversation.“

„Mom said, you met her once in a while.“

„As acquaintances who were the only Japanese students from abroad and almost studying the same subject.“

„And you didn’t make up your mind because she stayed in the US?“

„Damn… Tooru, could you stop interrogating me?“

Oikawa hissed and looked away.

„You wanted to talk about this. I didn’t.“  
  
  


  
Staying silent for a moment, Iwaizumi ran his fingers through his short hair and looked up again.  
Standing right in front of him he took Oikawa by the hand.

  
„Tooru… you don’t have to be scared or anything.“

„I’m not scared!“ the setter talked back finally, „I’m just sick of not knowing anything about your time in America. And that you don’t know anything about my time in Argentina. Whether you dated someone, whether it was something serious. Whether you… had _sex_ with others. That is not terrifying, it’s an unbearable feeling!“

  
Iwaizumi had blushed a bit, he never had something like that in mind but moreover… it was because…

  
„Tooru, there haven’t been anyone.“

„Liar.“

„Why should I lie?“

„Because you’ve always been damn popular for your… caring personality, for your smile, for… everything!“

  
  
Oikawa inhaled deeply and was driven by fury, by desperation and the angst he felt because he did not want to lose his best friend, his lover, his soulmate to anyone.  
Just… because he was thousands of miles away, starting from next week on. Again.  
Okay, he _was_ scared. Fuck.

  
  
„I haven’t dated anyone. Really. I tried but…“

„But what?“

Iwaizumi shook his head, it was also hard to confess, even if it was Oikawa. He never talked about it before because it was not necessary. But now it was and maybe he should have much earlier.

„I tried to date her. Tried again after… years of being _abstinent_. But… as I said to your father, it wouldn’t work. I mean… I don’t… I’m not interested in girls at all. Yeah, they’re pretty. They have a beautiful body with all the soft curves and so — okay, I’ll get this — but… I’m not into them. I… would never be able to be more intimate with them. I wouldn’t… it just... won't get up."  
Wow, that was embarrassing.

  
  
Oikawa’s eyes widened.  
  
„So… you really… haven’t…“

Iwaizumi did not answer.

„Iwa-chan…“

He was red from ear to ear.  
 _So embarrassing._  
On the other side… if it means that Oikawa had this soft smile on his lips… it was maybe really okay to be embarrassed. Fuck. How love stoned was he??

„… I was… your first?“

„Stop the bullshit, Trashykawa, okay?? Let’s get home, I freeze my ass off!!“ Iwaizumi barked and continued walking, dragging Oikawa with him.

  
He did not see the happy smile, the sparkle of happiness and love in Oikawa’s eyes, but he knew it was there.

  
„… you were my first, too“ he then admitted quietly, wanted to put Iwaizumi more on ease.

  
He nodded to the confession and then dared to ask another one:

  
„Have you… been dating others?“

„Sure.“

  
_Ouch._

  
„Oikawa…“

„But it never worked“ he continued, staring down at his feet, tightened up his grip around Iwaizumi’s cold fingers. „I like girls. I really do. But… it didn’t feel right. I was… too occupied.“

„With volleyball?“

„No, with you, dumbass!“ Oikawa exclaimed and both stared at each other with red cheeks. „I couldn‘t… get you out of my head. You know that.“

„Yes, you told me. At least while you were-"

„Don’t you dare!!“  
  
Linking his arm with Iwaizumi’s, Oikawa got finally closer.

„Iwa-chan…“

„Hm?“

„Can we… just do it once more?“

*****

  
  
The fourth day of Oikawa’s holiday in Japan were filled with relaxing in bed. Sleeping in late, having a slight lunch, staying in bed, having sex, going for a shower, having another sexual treatment, going to bed again and just getting up around 4 PM, to have a quick walk in the city.  
It had been Iwaizumi’s day off, and they have enjoyed it to its fullest.

  
*****

  
The fifth day, Oikawa was meeting up with Hanamaki again.  
Iwaizumi had to work in the gym with his athlete’s and would not be home before 6 PM.  
It was Christmas eve. The city was decorated with fine illuminations, some Christmas songs were played in the marketplace and there were several university students who tried their best in their part-time job, promoting companies while wearing Christmas costumes.  
  
„How come, you’re alone?“ Hanamaki pulled on the straw of his milk tea and looked out of the window.

Sitting at the high counter with his friend they just kept observing the busy people in the streets while they had a cosy surrounding with hot chocolate or other beverages.

„Huh? Why shouldn’t I?“ Oikawa wondered, giving him a smirk.

„Because you’re with Iwaizumi, right?“

„HUH?!“ He did not tell them about their relationship. So how…

„Oikawa, it’s so obvious. It had been all the time for us.“

„N-No way.“

„Yes way. So… how is it?“ Hanamaki smiled and looking at his friend, who blushed and looked hastily around. Then becoming calm again he leaned with his elbows on the table, glancing in his mug of chocolate.  
  
„… passionate?“ He could not come up with another attribute. They were. The sex. The arguments they had. The make ups. Passionate about their dreams and their lives. „I think … maybe we can do this.“

„Why shouldn’t you?“

„Distance? I mean… I’ll be back in Argentina, from 27th on and I don’t know when we’ll see each other again.“

„Okay, that’s hard“ Hanamaki admitted, looking in front of him again, „Well…“

„I know there’s no perfect solution, and we should just try to make it work“ Oikawa suggested but kept a short sigh for himself, „Having a long-distance relationship is nothing I’ve ever wanted.“

„Although you’ve been in love with him for such a long time?“

„Yeah… because it was never real and now… we lost contact once and I can’t let this happen again.“

„You won’t“ Hanamaki simply replied, having a faint smile on his face, „I mean… look at us. More than five years, and we’re still the squad, right?“

  
Oikawa smirked. That was right. He and Iwaizumi had their fights, but he was not the only one. There was much more people he could never forget and still stayed in his life...  
They all had their different lifes and still they live under the same sky. Sometimes it got lonely, but there was not a reason to believe that he really was.  
And Oikawa could be greatful for his Argentinean team that was more than just this, it was family, too.

  
„Thanks, Makki. You’re right as usual.“

„I know“ he laughed and patted Oikawa’s shoulder, „That’s what friends are for.“

  
  
After drinking up their hot chocolate and milk tea, they decided to stroll around the city centre for a bit. Watching the illuminations, trying on silly Christmas hats and then stopping by a shop with elegant and simple jewellery for men, Oikawa held a bracelet in his hand.

  
„Anything interesting?“

„Oh… well…“ Oikawa looked up and showed him a thin leather bracelet with a small golden plate „This… would fit Iwa-chan, wouldn’t it? And it wouldn’t be a hindrance in the job, right?“

„Ahhhh~“ Hanamaki put his hand on his chin and smirked, „A Christmas present?“

„We won’t celebrate but… yes. I want to give him something special.“ Oikawa turned back and holding the bracelet carefully in his hands, „I… might engrave something. There’s a service right here.“

„Then do it.“

  
  
Going to the cash desk, he stood in the line, in front of him two other customers.  
While he was waiting, he checked his phone for messages but there was only one that told him  
 _Can’t finish earlier! Sorry, see you at 7.30 PM._  
Oikawa shrugged — yes, there had been a chance, but he did not expect it that Iwaizumi would be able to come home much sooner.

  
„Hey, isn’t this Iwaizumi?“

Oikawa looked up. And frowned.  
It was.  
Iwaizumi walked by the shop, the two of them were in, but…

  
„Who’s that girl?“ Hanamaki asked surprised.

She clung on the former ace's left arm, laughed and Iwaizumi returned it with a smirk. She was pretty, had short hair — chin length — and wore a perfect red lipstick. They almost had the same height, she did not wear high heels. Her legs were long, well shaped, stuck in elegant boots. Showing off, because her skirt was cute and short, hidden under the long coat.

  
„… Yoshimura Makoto…“ Oikawa hissed. Disgusted.

„Eh? Who?“

„The tofu shop owner’s daughter.“

„ _Who_?“

„One of the girls who had a crush on Iwa-chan since high school. Makki, buy this for me, okay? I have to follow them!“

Oikawa threw the bracelet into Hanamaki’s hands who caught but went with a „Woah“ and turned his head to his brown haired friend,  
„Oikawa, you won’t-“

„I will! I _certainly_ will!“

  
  
He did. Carefully, not to be seen, he went after them, hid behind a lantern or walked more slowly when there was a chance to be discovered. Oikawa never thought of being a super agent but sure had his talents.  
Iwaizumi and Yoshimura went straight ahead to the mall. They went to the first floor, using the escalator. Going to the perfume and jewellery flag stores. No way!!

  
Standing five meters away, faking to be interested into some sunglasses and looking through a big glassed pair, he saw how Iwaizumi decided for something and gave it Yoshimura.  
She smiled, nodded, laughed and then… he actually let it be wrapped up in some paper by the saleswoman???

  
„Oikawa, what the hell are you doing? Why are you stalking your boyfriend?“ Maki showed up behind but the setter was so focused on the couple in front of him that he did not even flinch.

„Because of that!“ he pointed disappointed and hurt to the gift which Iwaizumi was paying for, now. „He said he can’t come home earlier because of her!“

Hanamaki wrinkled his nose and put his hands in his pockets.

„Are you sure? Well… he is running late because of this but… you really think, he’s cheating on you?“

„N-No, I… I just…“ Oikawa clapped his hands over his mouth because he had been too loud.

  
Turning his back to Iwaizumi and the girl he hoped that he had not heard.  
Hanamaki sighed and said, it was okay. Iwaizumi did not even look up.

  
„You’re being fucking jealous, you know?“ Another sigh. „Oikawa, don’t be such a jerk. You know, I know, and we all know that Iwaizumi wouldn’t do anything like that!“

„She could have seduced him!“

„He doesn’t seem to be seduced at all.“

„That’s even worse!“

„Oi… Hanamaki?“

  
_Shit._

  
Hanamaki looked up, a bit troubled but much more was Oikawa with these ridiculous glasses on the nose, swallowing hard.

„… Oikawa?“  
  


_Fuck._

  
„I-Iwa-chan!“ he turned around, acting all naive and smiling in such a dumb way that he made himself more than just suspicious. „Y-You could leave earlier?“  
  
  


 _Fuck!_  
  
Iwaizumi knitted his eyebrows and simply Yeah-ed him.  
  
  


„We were up to buy some Christmas presents“ Hanamaki explained all natural and kind, looking over to Iwaizumi and Yoshimura.  
  
„Oh, we were, too!“ she said excited and smiled kindly. „Hajime-kun needed advice, and so I asked him if I should come over.“

„Ah, I see!“ Hanamaki glanced over to Oikawa with an _See? Nothing to worry about_ expression, but the setter just looked around, feeling a bit guilty and knowing that Iwaizumi already was suspecting him being in charge of something stupid, again.

„Well… but I guess I have to go now“ she checked her wrist watch, „Have a date.“ Winking Yoshimura said good-bye and Iwaizumi thanked her again for the help.

  
After he was gone the three of them stood together.

  
„Okay…“ Hanamaki patted Iwaizumi’s shoulder, „Congrats, bro!“

„W-what?“

„Oikawa told me about your relationship“ Hanamaki smiled but only get a cold answer out of the former ace:

„He did?“

„Eh… yeah. Well, since you two are so lovey-dovey, no wonder, ha ha.“

  
… Did the atmosphere change? …

  
„Okay. Ehm… so… what’s your plan for the evening?“

  
Iwaizumi was rubbing his head now.

  
„Dunno.“ _Ouch again_. „Oikawa? Anything planned?“

  
The setter shook his head.  
  
„N-No…“

„Good, then… I think we have to part here“ Iwaizumi decided, speaking to Hanamaki.  
  
„Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m the third wheel“ the former outer hitter laughed a bit and soon, Oikawa and Iwaizumi stood in front of the mall, alone.  
  
„Let’s go“ he said, took Oikawa by his hand and dragged him along.  
  
  


  
Oikawa did not argue. He did not want to upset his boyfriend any more.  
Walking down the shopping districts streets, Iwaizumi finally left them with Oikawa, following a narrow one which lead to one of Sendai’s bigger shrines.  
They were going upstairs in silence but Oikawa broke that finally:  
  
  


„I-Iwa-chan… why… why are you…?!“  
  
„You're such an idiot. Tooru!“ Iwaizumi shouted, so the other stood in shock, „Really? Following me like a B-movie agent? At least do it properly!“  
  
  


Okay… he had noticed.  
  
  


„I-I… I was just surprised because… you said you couldn’t finish earlier and then I saw you…“

„With her, you mean?“ Iwaizumi interrupted, letting go if Oikawa’s hand and crossed his arms.

„Yes, I mean… No!“  
  
„You’re really hopeless…“  
  
„… Sorry…“  
  
He gave a hiss and loosen his posture. „I just… it’s Christmas and… okay, we said, that we won’t celebrate it but… standing there with empty hands… I don’t know. Didn’t seem right.“  
  
„Oh…“  
  
Now he really felt guilty. Accused Iwaizumi doing something wrong again.  
  
„I… I think I… I just… eh…“  
  
„Do you trust me?“  
  
Oikawa looked up, surprised.  
  
„What?“ he whispered, unsure what Iwaizumi was up to.

„Do you trust me?“

„O-Of course I do!“  
  
„Didn’t feel like that.“ Iwaizumi inhaled,  
„You know… I… I wanna make this work. I really do. I know that you’ll be back in Argentina again soon. But I want to make this work!“ he insisted and looked Oikawa straight in the eye.  
„But… it’s not only me. I need you. Need you to trust me.“

„B-But I _do_ trust you!“ Oikawa emphasized, „It’s just… I… I…“

„You’re scared, that someone is stealing me away? Like Yoshimura?“  
  
  


Oikawa nodded, followed by a sigh of Iwaizumi.  
  
  


„Do you think… I’d do that?“

„N-No…“  
  
„I said, I love you“ Iwaizumi now almost whispered, coming closer to his boyfriend,  
„I love you from the bottom of my heart and there is no other I would want to date. No one I would want to kiss. No one I would like to sleep with, but you. So stop worrying, Tooru!“  
  
  


Oikawa lowered his head but then felt the touch of Iwaizumi’s fingertips on his cheek.  
  
  


„Tooru… look at me.“ He did. „… you’re the jealous kind of guy in a relationship, hm?“ Iwaizumi’s corner of his mouth lifted slightly.

He knew, Oikawa felt embarrassed. Being told off and also being read like an open book. „… but don’t let it infest you.“ He gave him a short kiss on the mouth and it was soft and loving but… Oikawa felt a crack in his heart.  
  
  


He was right.  
If he wanted to make this work, too… he had to get rid of the overwhelming feeling of jealousy.  
He had to.  
  
  


„But… Iwa-chan…“  
  
„Hm?“  
  
„Why… did we even come here?“  
  
  


Iwaizumi’s soft and rare smile returned when he answered:

  
  


„Because I… I wanted to have some special location for giving you your present.“ Looking puzzled, he lightly slapped Oikawa’s head. „Christmas, idiot.“

„Yeah, I know that! Stop insulting me!“ Oikawa lamented, rubbing his head.

  
Iwaizumi opened his shoulder bag and took out something small. The thing… he… saw before. In the flag store. Where Yoshimura helped him to choose.

_Oh no…  
_

He… really had misunderstood everything. So stupid. He had been so stupid.

„Here… you are. I thought that this would suit you and… I think it’s a good way of having me with you all the time. Doesn’t matter if it’s Japan or Argentina or anywhere else in the world.“  
  


Oikawa took the small rectangular package out of Iwaizumi’s hands and… then…

„Oi, Tooru… are you crying?“ Oikawa flung his arms around Iwaizumi's neck, pressed himself against the other’s warm body and hid his face in the soft dark blue scarf, his boyfriend was wearing.  
  
Surprised about this sudden emotional outburst Iwaizumi stood still but then began to stroke over Oikawa’s back.

„Hey… everything’s okay? Tooru?“

„Y-Yeah… it’s just… I’m a fucking idiot!“ he whimpered, made Iwaizumi sigh.

„True.“

„Rude, Iwa-chan!“

  
Iwaizumi laughed a bit. That was the Oikawa he wanted to hear…

„Don’t you wanna open it?“  
  


Oikawa loosen his embrace and nodded a bit. He sniffed, wiping two tears away with his palm and then simply breathed.  
Looking at the gift which was inside the little golden box, he carefully opened it.  
Slowly. First the white upholstery showed itself. Satin fabric on the surface. Then… there was a fine leather strap. It was… a… no way.  
  
  


„I-Iwa-chan… I…“ Oikawa had to giggle.

„W-What?!“ Iwaizumi got startled, „What’s wrong?“  
  
„Nothing. It‘s just… wait…“ He reached for his own bag and pulled out a gift bag. „Merry Christmas… Hajime“ he whispered and then… Iwaizumi knew:

Oikawa’s gift was also wrapped but had a transparent display foil, and so he could already see that he was given a… bracelet.

„No way“ Iwaizumi said, slowly starting to smirk, „Fuck… that’s… that’s not funny!“  
  
  


But he still had to laugh about the fact they had the same idea.  
  
  


„Well, it’s great, isn’t it?“ Oikawa suggested and holding his own bracelet, not so different from Iwaizumi’s, in his hand, „It’s almost like some couple stuff! I like that!“  
  
„Of course you do“ Iwaizumi took the bracelet and put it around Oikawa’s right wrist, closing it carefully, „You always wanted me to wear some twin shit when we were kids!“  
  
„Because it’s cute!“ Oikawa pouted, looking proudly at his wrist and then doing the same for Iwaizumi. „And you know what? It’s like… making a promise.“  
  
„A… lifelong one?“  
  
„Yes.“  
  
Iwaizumi smiled. „I… don’t have anything to object.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today... just a little happy end ... angst will break them down the next time.


	5. Did you ever love me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day — even if it was crazy — he tried to find a way to get to Oikawa.  
> Travelling from Japan was not the problem anymore, if you accept the guidelines, but getting to Argentina… the borders were closed.  
> There was nothing they could do.
> 
> He did not sleep. He did not eat.
> 
> It was the head coach who sent him home the other day because he nearly collapsed.  
> He was advised to stop watching the news, stop reading the papers and everything else.  
> To isolate himself from all the negative stuff.
> 
> Even his mother came over, bringing him some food.  
> It was ridiculous.  
> Just seeing his mother, standing on the door, with such a warm smile on her lips, he could not hold it back anymore and had an emotional break-down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Trigger warning: Contains ILLNESS , DEATH and PANDEMIC SITUATION

He looked at his bracelet, turned his wrist in the sunlight and let the small metal plate sparkle.

_Always with you._

So cheesy. But it was typical him. Deciding for such a hopeless romantic phrase.  
Smirking to himself, he got a bit lost in thought.  
Already three weeks had passed, since Christmas. Three weeks since Oikawa left Japan again.  
Iwaizumi sat at his desk in the gym’s bureau and should be writing a new practice plan for the team, but instead he could not keep his thoughts together.   
Of course, if it came to him.  
As usual.

He hated it.

Still… he loved it.

It was that generous feeling inside his chest that told him, to feel lucky and be happy.  
Being motivated and energetic.  
Waiting with excitement and pounding heart the last minutes until their Skype date would start.  
That he should smile, whenever a message came around and out of the blue. Something like this.

Being in a relationship was… not so bad.

And it was not, that they had just some sort of puppy love. They had known each other for years. Maybe lost contact for a few but… it was still the same.

He knew, that Oikawa had trouble with getting up early and that it was easiest to wake him while blowing some air directly into his ear.

On the other side, Oikawa knew, that Iwaizumi only drank pure black coffee and that he would not say a word before the first cup of it, so he put a fresh one right on the dinner table where the breakfast was waiting during his holidays.

The upcoming silence while they were eating then, usually felt comfortable, not awkward.

There was only one real hardship: the distance.

Talking over phone, making a video call… that was all they could do at the moment. It was harder than right after graduation — where they could not sort out the feelings for each other and were struggling with so much more.  
But getting older also meant to accommodate more, to adapt and to be more settled. Nothing, which would distracted them too much, anymore.

They were absolutely focused on each other… and that was the problem why it was sometimes almost unbearable.

*****

After a year of their relationship, Iwaizumi visit him in Argentina again. A lot of love-hungry nights followed.  
Welcomed by his worried family in Japan after his return, he was asked why he was spending so much time with his best friend but did not go finding a girl…  
Reading the news recently, noticing the tension at the airports and everything… Iwaizumi made up his mind and spoke for the first time directly to his boyfriend about their future.  
In the morning when it was evening in Argentina:

„Tooru, I… I wonder when we’ll be able to live together“ he put his cards on the table, sitting near the main gym, which was occupied mostly by the national volleyball team in Tokyo, preparing for the Olympics which might be postponed, soon.  
He had been lucky that he still had been able to fly. Right after his arrival in Japan, the borders of Argentina closed.

Some fucking virus was spreading since January 2019 and got the world crazy… pandemic skills accomplished.

Remembering the last weeks, his smile dropped a bit. Telling himself to stay focused, Iwaizumi looked at the familiar face Oikawa’s, who was at home.

The brunette blinked at the sudden change of subject — they had been talking about some food before — and did not know what to say, at all. „I know that it’s not easy. For none of us. You’re playing for the Argentinean league, and I have my contract here in Japan… I… just wondered“ he tried to put his lover on ease, scratching lightly his cheeks — nervousness.

Oikawa sighed silently, giving him a warm smile,

„Iwa-chan… you know how much I want this?“ he admitted and Iwaizumi’s shoulders fell in relief,

„I mean… I love living here. I love my team and the people, but… it’s not the same as being with you.“

„Someone has to sacrifice something…“

„Well, let’s see — if we win the Olympics-“

„Tooru…“ he cut him off, a little bit frowning.

„Just joking. If there are any Olympics next year.“

„Yeah…“ Instead of snapping on that joke even worse, he gave in.

It was all pretty unpredictable, how the situation would develop. Iwaizumi remembered, that the last big pandemic case kept the world for two years in suspense. Now, they were still in year one.

„Sorry, I guess… I’m just a bit down.“

Iwaizumi had noticed that he sounded really gloomy. That was something he did not want to be while talking to his boyfriend. The precious time they had. Only one or sometimes two hours. Mostly less.

„Can’t blame you for that.“ Oikawa’s boyfriend cracked a little smile. „But talking about that, Iwa-chan… are you sitting in front of the gym? Isn’t it practice time?“

„Well… yeah. Sitting around. Restrictions make it almost impossible now to have accurate practice. If we don’t have to be inside, we shouldn’t. Still I have to be there if something happens to an athlete.“

„Sounds reasonable.“

„And you?“

Oikawa stayed silent for a moment and it was just that, that put Iwaizumi on alert. Knitting his eyebrows he tried to read the brunette’s face, but he already put on a brave one.

„Well, staying at home his boring!“ he shrugged, trying to look bored.

„Stop the bullshit, Tooru! Just be honest with me!“ the athletic trainer got angry, „I ask you, because I want to know. I don’t want a show!“

Oikawa hissed and looked to the side. Surely, he was watching his old red alarm clock with the big black numbers on the white surface. First, Abuela had just lent him that ancient thing from 1973, because he had forgotten to bring one with his move to Argentina. Since when, it had become really dear to him. Like a treasure. Maybe it was. An old friend. When Iwaizumi had made fun of it, Oikawa really had been upset — so he never did that again...

„… the lockdown is still there. Nothing else to say.“

His adam‘s apple moved anxiously. Iwaizumi saw it.

The way how Oikawa blinked. He knew it.

„Tooru… it’ll be okay“ Iwaizumi said quietly, trying to calm him down, „It’ll all be okay.“

„Easy to say.“

Pressing his lips together the athletic trainer did not talk back to that one.  
But then… it became clear why Oikawa was so aggressive… because it was not aggression.  
It was driven by desperation.  
And he was about to reveal the reason behind his tensed attitude.

„Iwa-chan… You know the increasing numbers of infections?“

„Yeah… I’m looking them up on the web from time to time.“

_Lie. He did this every fucking day._

Oikawa smiled sadly.  
Of course, Iwa-chan did. Although he could not be there, he tried to be as close as possible.  
He even started studying Spanish a while ago.

„I know about the firmer restrictions…“

„Well… didn’t help“ Oikawa swallowed the lump in his throat. A lump of angst. „Abuela seems to have caught it.“

Now, Iwaizumi’s eyes widened in shock. Even at his work… he did not know anyone who had it.  
Of course, Japan also took care of restrictions, prevention stuff, etc. but it was not the same firm regulations Argentina was undergoing.  
The official numbers for Japan said about 750 new cases.  
He did not believe it himself but comparing to other countries of the world it was okayish.  
Spreading some viruses had been avoided well by their standards in hygienic processes — wearing masks, etc. This all had been efficient before the virus and most Asian countries were in some kind of advantage.

But Argentina… mid of October a new peak of 16.000 new cases. The trend is decreasing but…

And he really wanted to worry about Abuela, because he knew the kind old woman by heart.  
Abuela, who welcomed him so with much love, every time he visited.  
Abuela, making him some special cookies he could bring to Japan.  
Abuela, who gave him an extra cushion, because she somehow knew about them before they did.

However, all he could think of was Oikawa’s safety, and he felt guilty of that.

„Is she okay?“ Iwaizumi whispered.

„Can’t tell. She… was sent to hospital. Couldn’t breathe. She’s on ICU.“

„Fuck… T-Tooru… I know it’s insensitive to her and I’m really sorry… but… what’s… with you and the other’s?“ His heart kept pounding. Please… _please, please, please!!_

„… I had my test yesterday. Wasn't really comfortable.“

„Why didn’t you tell me?“

„I was too worried about Abuela, and it was… just shocking?! I don’t know… We all felt so safe and yet…“

He sounded distracted, sounded overwhelmed. His brave face had fallen and now he was fighting back tears.

„Tooru...“

„Positive“ he simply said with his voice trembling.

„… Is it for sure?“

„Roberto and María were also tested positive.“

„No mistake?“

„ _Hajime_ …“

„Don’t Hajime-me!“ Iwaizumi’s voice raised, and he felt his chest tightened. „Fuck… I’m… I’m sorry, Tooru. I’m so sorry that I can’t be there for you…“

Oikawa smiled, shaking his head.

„No… it’s for the better. It’s enough that we’re already infected. Doesn’t need to have to be you, too. I’m not into Zombie-apocalypses, you know.“

„How do you feel?“ Iwaizumi did not jump on the joke train.

„Right now... okay. Just a little cough.“

„Take care…“

„I know.“

When they hung up, Iwaizumi stared at his phone.

_Fuck the distance._

_Fuck the virus._

_Fuck it all._

Of course, he knew that it did not have to develop in a serious case.  
Abuela was an elderly woman who had issues before, but… that did not mean anything.  
Maybe it would just stay as it was now.  
Coughing. Maybe sneezing. Maybe one day of fever.

It would not.

*

_Feeling terrible… sorry, can’t make it._

Receiving this message, Iwaizumi swallowed hard.  
Oikawa never would decline or would postpone a call if it was not absolutely necessary.  
Under the circumstances right now… it had to be serious.

_Tooru, are you alright?_

He did not respond.  
Looking desperate at his phone’s display, because the message of Oikawa had been already five minutes ago, he sighed, relieved, when he saw him being online again.  
He was writing…

_Have to call the doctor.  
Roberto is worse.  
I’m just suffering from fever and bad coughing.  
Really, that sucks._

*

The next message came in two hours later.  
Until when, Iwaizumi nearly went berserk.  
He had just made his way home from work, slamming his bag in the corner and sat down on his couch, waiting.

Usually, the first intention was to go to the bathroom but even washing his hands was unimportant in contrast to his boyfriend’s health state.  
But because Oikawa did not reply… he had to get a grip of himself!  
Yes, it was serious, but he could not do anything from the distance, anyway.  
He should stay calm! For both of them!

Telling himself that over and over, he finally went washing his hands properly, maybe a bit distracted — he was looking more than a minute into the sink and doing nothing — then coming back.  
Noticing that there was a video call income. Oikawa.  
Immediately he jumped to the couch and nearly missed it.  
Swearing about his own stupidity, about hurting his little toe in that ninjalike act, he picked up.  
Forgot that it was video, when he held the phone on his ear. Then swore another time and finally, he looked on the screen, and... went white…

„Hey… sorry but I thought, I call you right now.“ He looked in Oikawa’s face, sweating, looking really sick, having some oxygen mask in his nostrils. „I look terrible, don’t I?“ Coughing.

  
Iwaizumi blinked and found his composure and voice again.

„T-Tooru what… when…“

„I felt bad already in the morning, but Roberto almost lost consciousness.“

„Is he alright?“

„On the ICU. The doctors said it’s really serious. Maybe he won’t make it. They had to give him sedatives.“

„… Abuela?“

„Is getting better.“

Fuck. Roberto was his 24-year-old-neighbour. Sportsmen like Oikawa. Track team.

„What about you?“

„Still-“

  
Oikawa was interrupted by the upcoming coughing reflex. The device shook in his hand. The ceiling was shown.  
Iwaizumi only heard him coughing so painfully, then groaning quietly and after a minute the phone was picked up again.

„Sorry…“

„Was it like that the whole day?“

„Started yesterday…“ Oikawa paused again, leaning back in the cushion, „Iwa-chan… it's good to see you.“

He was scared. Iwaizumi saw this clearly in Oikawa’s eyes. He was so damn scared.  
Oikawa hated hospitals — no surprise, because his impaired knee had never regenerated properly.  
And then… that scary thing, nobody could see but it was among them,

„Hajime… I… reject my words… I… I wish you were here…“

_Fuck… fuck, fuck, fuck!!_

„Tooru, Babe… I… I wish I could…“

A small smile creeped up Oikawa’s face.

Whenever Hajime was giving him nicknames, it was to make him feel comfortable.

To make him feel better. Feel safe and sound.

„I love you, Hajime. I really do.“

„Don’t talk like that.“

„But I _do_ love you.“

„…“

Hajime lowered his head and Oikawa believed that he heard a sniffing.

„I love you, too.“

*

Days passed.

It was not always possible to have some video calls and sometimes it was not even possible to have a simple phone call.  
Iwaizumi wondered all the time that they allowed Oikawa to call fom the ICU ward directly.  
Usually phones were forbidden. Was it, because they knew, that his boyfriend was living so far away?  
Or… was his constitution so bad?

It drove him crazy. Really, really crazy. Not being able to help, to do anything…

It was hard.

He received more messages. Like _I’m tired_ or _Fever vanished_ and it all should calm him down but it did not.

Just in the middle of one of those nights, 3 AM Japanese time, Oikawa called.

Iwaizumi had his phone right on the nightstand.

For emergency.

He alsmost could not get to sleep if it was not there.  
So he shrieked, almost jumped in bed and automatically reached to it when he heard the family sound.

„Y-Yeah!? T-Tooru?!“

„Sorry to call you… it’s eh… it’s night, right?“

„Don’t mind. What’s up?“

Iwaizumi ran his fingers through his hair, sat up properly but let the lights off. His eyes still had to get used to the darkness after seeing the bright phone screen. _Brain, work._

Oikawa stayed silent.

„Tooru?“ he asked again, knitting his eyebrows, „Tooru, hey?“

„I’m… Iwa-chan…“ His words were between a whisper and a shaky melody of syllables, „I’m… Roberto… he… he passed away.“

„ _What_?“

It was just a hiss, but Oikawa heard it well enough, so he repeated the words.

It was a shock.

He really did not make it.

„Tooru, I’m so sorry…“

„I’m… I’m scared, Iwa-chan! I’m so fucking scared!!“ he cut him off and suddenly hysteria got into him, „Why us? We didn’t do anything wrong!“

He was sobbing once or twice on the phone, and all of a sudden crying.

It did not matter how hard he tried to hide it, all his emotions, his fear came up.

Things he seemingly suppressed for so long. Trying to be tough and strong.

„I know… I know, Tooru.“

„Fuck… I don’t… I don’t wanna die, too!“

„You won’t!“ Iwaizumi exclaimed with all his strength, his heart gave him extrasystoles which lead to dizziness because his body could not adapt to it quickly enough.

„You can’t know!“

No, he could not.

He was stuck in Japan while Oikawa was himself on ICU in Argentina...

„No, but I know that you’re a fighter.“

„That’s not enough!!“ Oikawa cried, coughing and sobbing again.

„You are. You won’t die, Tooru! Fuck!“ Iwaizumi shouted, curling up more in his sitting position, pulling up his legs and let his forehead rest on his knees.

Eyes shut, he pressed his lips tightly together. „Tooru, you’re the strongest person I know. You’re such an unbelievable fighter. You will make it!“

*

The next day — even if it was crazy — he tried to find a way to get to Oikawa.  
Travelling from Japan was not the problem anymore, if you accept the guidelines, but getting to Argentina… the borders were closed.  
There was nothing they could do.

He did not sleep. He did not eat.

It was the head coach who sent him home the other day because he nearly collapsed.  
He was advised to stop watching the news, stop reading the papers and everything else.  
To isolate himself from all the negative stuff.

Even his mother came over, bringing him some food.  
It was ridiculous.  
Just seeing his mother, standing on the door, with such a warm smile on her lips, he could not hold it back anymore and had an emotional break-down.

„Mom… I’m scared. I… I can’t do anything for him. I can’t… he’s fighting for his life and I…“

„Him?“ she asked, rubbing her son’s back, kneeling down on the floor, „You mean… Tooru-kun?“

There was not any other man who had such impact on her son. Who was so dear to him.

„Oh dear… Hajime… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!“

He looked up at her, tear-strained face, shaking his head and biting his lower lip.

„He’s… I can’t lose him. I can’t… just lose him… He’s everything…“

And that was the point she finally got. The reason, why her son never brought a girlfriend home. The reason, why he always declined interest in women.  
Because… he really had none.

Because… he already was in love. With Oikawa Tooru.

These were news.  
Not shocking, because she knew how close they had been all the time, but… still news.

„Hajime… come here…“ She hugged him, pulling him in her motherly embrace which would always be a safety space for a child to come to — age did not matter.

He accepted, cried all his heart out. Cried all the fear out and just let himself be pampered as if he was a child and hurt his knee while plaing... Just once…

*

Two weeks of anxiousness. Two weeks of nothing but waiting.

Iwaizumi managed to eat again, to get some rest and sleep, but called in sick for the time.

He could not concentrate at work at all, needed to rest on his couch, avoiding the bed where he would just think of Oikawa again and again.  
The place, where they had spent a few nights together, but only remembering let him smell this vanilla like scent of the brunette again.  
Let him remember every smile, how his soft skin felt under his own. How he laughed and nagged him in the morning. Curling up to him. Snuggling.  
It made him even more sick and he could not be like that.  
He had to stay positive, too!

He wrote to his love every day but sometimes did not get even a reply.

Finally, there was another call he picked up immediately.

_Video call._

Iwaizumi did not even care, how he looked right now:  
He was not clean shaved since three days, his hair a mess and wearing just some comfortable shirt and jogging pants, it was astounding for Oikawa, seeing his boyfriend like that when he had never seen him in such kind of laissez-faire state before.

„What did you do to Iwa-chan? Where is he?“ his first reaction showed the Iwa-shock he experienced right now.

Iwaizumi blinked. Surprised, too.  
Oikawa was not in hospital anymore.  
Did not wear the hospital gown, his hair neat and there was not any IV bag or some other machines around him.

„W-Where… are you?“

„At home.“

His heart felt like being released from the stress for the first time in forever… A heavy weight off his mind.

„You’re… discharged?“

Oikawa smiled a bit and nodded slowly.

„Yes, only two hours ago.“

Iwaizumi‘s shoulders sank. He could not say a word. He tried but… his mind did not work.  
There he was. Tooru. Discharged from hospital. As if… the last weeks did not happen.

„Thank God…“ Iwaizumi murmured, shook his head and then ended up in sobbing.

He thought he could not cry anymore after all the tears he shed before, but there he was on it again, „Thank God… Tooru… this… I-I…“

„I-Iwa-chan!“ Oikawa looked at him terrified, „H-Hey… w-what… d-don‘t cry?!“

He could not remember seeing Iwa-chan‘s last time crying — only after the big loss against Karasuno in their senior year and some kind of sobbing in middle school after losing against Shiratorizawa.  
He did not know how to treat him right, now… how to console him… opening his lips to say something.  
Closing them. Breathe in. Breathe out. But stay muted in the end, overwhelmed.

„I can’t stop.“ He was rubbing his eyes, tried to get rid of the ridiculous tears, „T-Tooru… I… the last two weeks were hell! And now… you’re at home and it’s like… like waking up from a nightmare.“

He sobbed once more and looked up to the screen. Giving Oikawa a cracked smile. „I’m just… happy… so happy…“

„Hajime…“

Oikawa knew, how much Iwaizumi had worried. He had felt it. More than this.  
They could not be physically together, but he had felt him right by his side all the time.

„I… I wouldn’t have made it if I hadn‘t been sure that you’re there…“ he whispered, absent-minded touching the screen with his index finger as if he wanted to wipe the tears away, „And… you know what… you look so terrible… Get a shave, brush your hair!“ A little hiccuped laughter came out of Iwaizumi’s throat. „So get yourself together, Hajime. I’m not going to marry a hobo!“

Startled, the athletic trainer stared at his boyfriend who blushed a bit. Blushed a bit more. Became very red.

„T-Tooru… what the…“

„What? It’s not a big deal, isn’t it?“ he tried to act all cool, „I mean… we’ve known each other for more than twenty years, and we’ve waited to long to have this. So why not?“

For the first time in two weeks, Iwaizumi’s smile became honest and was full of love.

„Okay“ he replied and making Oikawa stop his babbling.

„I-Iwa-chan?!“

„I’m going to propose to you the next time we see each other.“

*****

The next time… was in 2021.  
Restrictions for Argentina were held until January and still the citizens were not allowed to travel to other countries.  
But the normal life seemed to recover. Only six more months until the Olympics in Tokyo.   
Oikawa and Iwaizumi agreed, not to take risks if it was not necessary and waited more or less patiently for their reunion.

In August 2021, the countries came together.  
The public were able to buy some tickets but still they could not allow the same number of guests in the stadium’s as it was planned and so most of them sat in front of the TV or their mobile devices at home.

The atmosphere in the Olympic village was something between familiar and abandoned. Wide spaced for everyone but seeing each other once in a while during canteen times or practices.  
Iwaizumi, working as the athletic trainer of the Japanese volleyball team, knew it at first sight that something was not right with his love.

He had not talked about any health issues but the way he moved, the way he breathed … it looked hard. Exhausted.

„And you know, I don’t think that it will be so easy to get to the finals! The Italian team’s really strong! I watched some of their middle blocker Belaccini's attacks on YouTube! He’s damn good!“

Oikawa was babbling all over the upcoming matches while they were sitting on the porch of the residence’s building, drinking some oolong tea in a bottle and just sharing some time together, here on the bench. It was still warm, even at 10 PM, and they could not make it to each other’s room because these were shared ones and their mates were already sleeping.

Iwaizumi glanced in front of him, took a sip and listened to the excited Oikawa.

„But if we can play him out, it should be much easier! Their defence isn’t the strongest and from watching I guess the back corners are still trouble for them because of their formation, and-“

„Tooru, how’ve you been, recently?“ Iwaizumi suddenly cut him off.

Oikawa stopped, his voice broke off, and he blinked irritated.

„What’s that all of a sudden?“ He put on a fake smile and got slapped for that on the back of his head.

Being quiet… Oikawa turned his head, looking in front of him and up to the sky.  
No stars to be seen. Tokyo was just too bright for that, light pollution and everything.

„Okay, I guess.“

„Really? You look exhausted to me.“

Oikawa did not reply. Iwaizumi glanced over, noticed the way the brunette pressed his lips together, although he tried not to show his rising tension.

„Tooru, you know what I’m working as? I can tell you your weak spots just by watching you walk, and that is definitely something you should go under, too. Guess, your fascias around your glut is a bit stiff“ Iwaizumi mocked him, so Oikawa let out a upset groan in return, „And… seeing you the other day in practice. Your breath is hard. You’re sweating too much. Your stamina is out of place.“

Oikawa started frowning.

„I’m trying my best“ he replied quietly, „I… did all I was told by the doctors but I can’t make it back to the constitution I had.“

Iwaizumi listened, observing him in silence.

„It‘s making me sick“ the setter admitted, clenching his hands to fists and making the plastic bottle giving some strange sound. „I can do whatever I want. Take it slow, rest, and still I’m like that!“

He stood up walking three steps and exhaled. „Right now… I don’t even know if I’m able to keep up for the Olympics. As their main setter, I’m in the starting line-up, of course. But the head coaches had their discussions. With me. About me.“ He sounded frustrated.

Iwaizumi still sat on the bench, looked at Oikawa’s back which was dressed in his turquoise white jersey of the Argentinean national team.

„Fuck.“

„The doctors… gave you green light, right?“

„Of course. They… just said that my lunges have to recover more. That could be months or years.“ He chuckled a bit, „Sometimes… even now I can’t smell anything.“

Iwaizumi got up and stepped to his boyfriend.

„Tooru…“

„What should I do, Iwa-chan? As an athletic trainer… what would you suggest?“

He turned around to him, and desperation was written all over Oikawa’s face.  
He had made it so far. Had won against that fucking virus. Had won against so many people. All stepping stones for his aim to be on the front.

And now… he was asking him.

„Iwa-chan, you’ve always known me best. And… even if I hadn’t listen… I had acknowledged your advices… really. So… what… would you say?“

Oikawa did not ask him as his boyfriend but as the pro, Iwaizumi was.  
Therefore, the black-haired man straightened his back and crossed his arms.

„I… I don’t know anything about your examination results, of course… but… I’ve been with you the whole fucking time and watched your condition getting worse, getting better and you wouldn’t stand here in front of me if you weren't been able to do so“ he started, looking Oikawa straight in the eyes, „But… as an athletic trainer… what about the stress tests? ECG? EMG? Everything’s okay?“

„Yeah.“

„Lung capacity test?“

Silence. That was the weak spot.

„VO2?“

Still silence.

„If these are… the points your body lacks…“ He thought about it for a moment, then tilting the head to his side, „You should be careful. I don’t have to tell you what kind of stress a five set game on world league level can be produced. The pressure on your body. Especially when you’re playing all five. I haven’t seen your X-rays but… I was curious back when and… looked them up. How they could look like during the virus infection.“ Iwaizumi sounded a bit worried, „Just… take care, Tooru. To be honest, I wouldn’t let you play all games.“

That hurt.

But he had wanted to hear the truth, asked him for a second opinion.

„You’re still coughing sometimes and if you’re already exhausted because of practice… I don’t want to go overboard, you know.“

Oikawa nodded, sighed, rubbed his head.

„I guess… somehow… I knew, you would say that…“He put his hand in the pocket of his jersey pants, holding the bottle with the other. „Guess… that’s it. My finals.“

„Hey…“

„Thanks, Iwa-chan. Thanks for your advice again. I’ll… I’ll go to sleep now. I’m tired and having some headache.“

„I bring you to your dorm.“

Oikawa gave him a cracked smile, shook his head, but stepped forward, so he could put his arms around Iwaizumi. Supporting his head on the other male’s broad shoulders. Inhaling his scent, he missed so much.

„No, it’s okay. I can do it. Don’t worry.“

Iwaizumi hesitated to talk back but dropped it. Hugging him tightly, his lips brushed Oikawa’s temples.

„You’d better stop worrying. Focus on what you’re here for. Trust your staff. You’ve come so far. You’re not the one I’ve known in school — you’re much more careful with your body and that’s good. So… don’t worry. You’ll make the right decision.“

*****

They met each other again in the preliminaries.

Japan vs. Argentina.

It was a good match, started with Oikawa’s devilish serve and went on with a great toss made by Kageyama.  
Having a lot of former rivals in this game, it was just a blast of nostalgia, fun and motivation to win you could not experience otherwise.  
It was so good, Oikawa’s constitution seemed fine and it was just one of those games you would not want to miss.

But then, suddenly, the moment came. Oikawa had to leave the court.

Iwaizumi had seen him panting, had seen him having troubles and all his so perfect sets became somehow sloppy.  
No, he was not alright.  
The coach gave the sign to the second referee who whistled and repeated it.  
He was replaced by another one, gave a high-five but soon as he reached the bank he just collapsed on it, putting the towel over his head.

That was it.

Done.

Forever.

*** * ***

„Tooru, coming with me for groceries?“

Iwaizumi shouted to the bedroom where his boyfriend was in bed, curled up, the curtains closed. At 11 AM.  
He did not reply — at least a „Hum“ was not one for the athletic trainer — so it was clear that the door was slammed open just a minute later.

„Ok, get up your backside! We have some errands to run!“

Without a further warning he grabbed the blanked, pulled strongly and made Oikawa nearly fell off the bed.  
The brunette did not argue. „Five minutes!“  
Iwaizumi left the bedroom and sighed.

It had been three months since the Olympics and here they were… Oikawa was still fighting his inner demons. After the matches he resigned voluntarily from the team.  
He terminated his contract for the flat he was living in Argentina. He did not even travel back but stayed in Japan, trying to get through the immigration process again.  
Let send the few things he had in Argentina by oversea delivery service.

Getting his citizenship again was really hard, not so easy. His former profession as a volleyball pro was more of a disadvantage because the foreigner’s registration office could not find a reason to let him stay because of work.  
He had to get himself a job, but that was another handful: What should he work if he had never further education?  
Yeah, he was a pro in volleyball but being asked, Iwaizumi told him that it was not enough to teach on a professional base or to be employed as a trainer. He would need some licences.

That was the first breakdown.

The next — almost simultaneously — occurred when it comes to going up the stairs to Iwaizumi’s flat, where he was offered to stay. After the Olympics his body seemed to need much more regeneration.  
Almost the same amount as back when, he was discharged from hospital.  
Jogging was impossible, weight-lifting, too. Going upstairs, four floors, was sometimes so exhausting that he panted his ass off.

And all these little things come together and putting Oikawa in a state of lethargy, depression and self-doubts.

„ _What am I good for anyway?_ “ his favourite question was to ask.

Sometimes, Iwaizumi answered in gentle words, pushing his self-esteem a little bit more.

Sometimes, he had to be angry, scolding him, so he got a grip on himself.

And sometimes… he did not know what to say.

Going out for groceries was the only thing Oikawa had been doing outside the flat for a whole week now. He had the hood of his sweater over his head, the hands in the pockets. Slurping steps.  
Did not talk. Did not say anything. Was not aware of his environment.

He was grumpy. Gloomy.

„Hey, wanna have some udon for dinner?“

Iwaizumi gave his best to let this negative mood not infect himself. Oikawa shrugged.

„Okay… then… some nabe? It got cold, recently. I can do this.“

Another shrug. Iwaizumi exhaled, getting a little upset,

„Fine. You can make yourself instant noodles if it’s so unimportant.“

„I don’t care.“

…

„Oh fuck you, Tooru. For once, can you just stay focused on anything else than blaming yourself?“

That was harsh, Iwaizumi knew it, but he could not hold back. „I knew it’s hard but at least you have a little bit to take care of yourself! I can’t babysit you!“

Oikawa frowned.

„Just tell me, if I’m bothering you. I can move out.“

„The hell you can!“ Iwaizumi put a hand under Oikawa’s chin, standing on the corner of the supermarket and lifted it up. „Look at me, dammit!“

He refused.

„Don’t know why you’re so angry…“ Oikawa murmured, „It’s not your life that was ruined by some stupid virus. And it’s not you, struggling.“

„Don’t give me that shit!“ Iwaizumi hissed, letting him go and clenching his fists, „You won’t tell me that I’m not in the position to give a fuck! Tooru, I’ve been with you all the time, I was scared to lose you! I’m supporting you with everything I have! But-“

„You said, I’ll make the right decision!“

„What…?“-

„You said, you would propose to me!“ Oikawa bursted all of a sudden. „But none of those happened! I couldn’t make a choice. I’ve never had one in first place! And you… you…“

He shook his head, tears welling up.

„You… I can understand, that you won’t propose to me at all. I’m a fucking mess who is somehow impaired, and I’m not the one you may have fallen in love before. Sorry, but I can’t get a grip and I can’t overcome my crap, Hajime! I’m not you, I’m fucking weak and all I wanna do is lying in bed and not going shopping with you!!“

Iwaizumi looked at him in shock.

„You had said once, you can’t do this? I can’t do this. It makes me sick being a disappointment to you!“

„You’ve never been-“

„So why do you keep looking at me like that?!“ Oikawa cut him off, wiping the tears away and pointed at Iwaizumi’s face, „Looking like… you’re _regretting_?“

„I don’t regret it.“

„You do. You do regret picking me up. Give me shelter. You’re saying I’m exhausted? _You’re_ the one looking fucking tired all the time!“

Was he?

Was he really so tired?

„And I also can’t blame you for that… as I said. I can’t blame you for being tired.“

Exhaling Iwaizumi gave it another try,

„Tooru, I’m sorry that I hurt you… that I… didn’t propose. That’s nothing to do with you. It’s just… I… I couldn’t do this because I didn’t want you to feel like it’s out of pity!“ he tried to explain,

„Proposing to you… should be in a much better mood. Romantic. All the stuff you love. That was what I planned. I don’t want to propose if you’re in the middle of some crisis.“

„So you’ll never.“

„Tooru, you’ll overcome this!“

„And maybe I won’t!“ Oikawa shook his head. „See… living with you… it had been everything I’d ever wanted. What I hoped for. Circumstances are bad but… I could finally be with you again. But you know what?“ His sad smile cracked, „Being with you… it’s painful. It’s painful, because everything is… filled with you and I’m… I’m not fitting in.“

„What… do you mean?“ Iwaizumi looked puzzled and felt his heart pounding hard.

„I don’t know who you are.“

„You know me best of all people!“

„I thought so, but I don’t!“ Oikawa shouted in desperation, „You… you’re such a diligent worker. Spending hours over your desk. How your voice is changing, if you have to take a call. When we’re out here, grocery shopping or whatever… it’s like I’ve been with someone I don’t know. Talking to you… it sometimes ended up that I’m feeling so stupid. You’re making it sound all so easy, but… it’s not.“

„It is!“ Iwaizumi talked back fiercely, „Being with you, it is!“

„But I don’t feel the same!“

They stared at each other for a few seconds.

„Haijme… I know that you’re angry at me. I know you’re upset. And you don’t understand. That I need more time! Much more time! … You’re trying to support me but you suppress me. You’re trying to console me but it just… it just made it so much harder to breathe.“

Oikawa began sobbing.

„I… I wonder… all the years… did we really love each other? Did we really? Or… did we just love how we were?“

„Tooru… don’t.“

„Please… let us end this. Please… I… I need space. I need a break. I… just need to learn how to breathe again. Physical and… emotional.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... I really struggled with that chapter. To be honest, it was really painful to write this down.  
> I always imagined how HQ would continued nowadays, since Furudate had a good timeline for 6 years...  
> And then I had that AU in mind, where Hajime and Tooru are separated not only, because they want to fulfill their dreams, studying/working abroad, etc. but because this pandemic happened and there was nothing they could do about it.   
> It was very painful to write, because being helpless is something I remember too well. Patient's relatives, partners, etc. (Yeah, I'm a RN - I worked in different hospital wards during my studies) Also making exceptions if critical health states occure, etc.   
> Overcoming a disease or an injury is one thing, getting used to the consequences another.  
> If it was his damaged knee, he would have dealt better with it. But sending off court because he "just" does not have the constitution anymore... feeling like an old grandpa... that's something which is to accept less... So, now he's definitely in some kind of identity crisis. Volleyball had been his life. What should he do know?


	6. The worst thing, even after this is that I still love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „What am I to him anyway? He… treated me as if I was the problem. As if… I was the reason he had to retire. As if I wanted something bad for him…!! I just… I just didn’t want to be drowned. Wanted, that he could find some perspective, going on. And all he did was blaming me, that I … put him in a cage?! Of all people, me? Fuck it!“
> 
> He cupped his face with his hands and although there was not a sound, Yoshimura and Oikawa knew that he was about to cry.
> 
> „You’re really hurt…“ Yoshimura whispered again, pulling Iwaizumi in a gentle embrace, leaning her chin against his head, stroking his short, spiky hair and caressing his back. „I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for you… really…“
> 
> Oikawa tried to swallow the lump in his throat but almost choked. He stood silently behind the stairs, had listened to every word. Still… he could not fix this.

Miyagi, spring 2023.

Ten years after graduation.

Strange… it was really weird to stand here, in front of the old school building, looking up to the same windows from which they had looked out during classes. Walking over the school ground which was still paved with the same light grey stones.  
The same trees, the same benches… Of course, it would be like that.  
Ten years were nothing for a building and moreover for a public or private institution.  
But for oneself it was more than strange.

Nostalgia began to flow into the body of Hanamaki Takahiro. The 29-year-old man with the short strawberry blonde hair and the stylish oversized brown coat, wearing some cool ankle high black trousers, sneakers and a white turtleneck pullover was the first who came here to the meeting point. His husband was still on the way from work, and so he had some time to look around.

„Hey, Hanamaki? Is it you?“ He turned around, noticing someone smaller than him, with big round, brown eyes. Still that baby face he remembered from the former wingspiker and crybaby:

„Yudacchi!“ he welcomed the man, dressed in hoodie and jeans. They hugged each other, laughing.

„I'm so excited to see everyone again! I guess, everyone will make it!“

„Well… yeah“, Hanamaki nodded slowly. Maybe not everybody… it depended. He had not been sure about coming.

„Ah, great! I made it in time!“ another voice said and to their right, Matsukawa appeared, formally dressed in a suit because of his work. He greeted Yuda first, then giving his husband a soft kiss on the lips.

„You’re earlier than expected“ Hanamaki smiled.

„Yeah, I suborned the taxi driver to drive faster“ Matsukawa joked.

„You’re really married?“ Yuda was surprised and then congratulated them.

„Issei proposed two years ago to me“ Hanamaki said and glanced to his husband.

„We had an express wedding in Sapporo.“

„Woah, that you made it before our dauntless couple!“ Yuda laughed but neither did Hanamaki nor Matsukawa. They know who he was referring to… and they just heard what had happened around their engagement period with the two of them…

„Come on, we should go inside!“

The alumni reunion of Seijoh started around 7 PM in the gym they had decorated and furnished with chairs, tables and a larger assemble for the food buffet.  
All in all, 118 former students out of 150 were about to come. The seating arrangement was not organized by classes but by 6-person-groups. Regarding some clubs they combined two or three tables sometimes which had their appearing aforementioned.  
The three of the volleyball club sat down and waited, kept talking about this and that and already had a lot of fun.  
Gradually, the other alumni came in and Hanamaki, Matsukawa and Yuda had their bets on guessing former classmates right. But it was not so easy at all.  
Some people had not changed, but others had a lot. Got bigger, thinner, had dyed or shaved their hair, had wrinkles in their face, had a beard… or was pregnant?! Wow!  
It was around 8 PM when the whole volleyball club of third years had come together… almost…

„Sorry for making you wait!“ Iwaizumi panted and slid on one of the remaining two free seats.

„Iwaizumi!“ „Iwa-chan!“ „Our ace!“ „Mr. Hashtag hot athletic trainer“

„Oh stop it!“ he laughed and already felt comfortable with them again. „Great to see ya!“ he looked from one to another.

„It’s good to see you Mr. I-go-to-California-losers!“ laughed Matsukawa.

„Shut up, we’ve met more often than I met my own mother!“

They all laughed. Iwaizumi looked through the gym, smiling. „It’s funny to meet everyone again! Any hints that coach Irihata or Mizoguchi are coming?“

„Look behind you“ Yuda pointed with his index finger and Iwaizumi turned on his chair, seeing the both men coming to their table.

„Nice to meet you all again!“ Irihata smiled generously, „And see what handsome grown-ups you are!“ They stood up, in respect, bowed a bit and welcomed them synchronously.

„Iwaizumi, I was surprised to see you as the athletic trainer of Japan’s national team, two years ago“ he said and looking at his former ace, „You were always a diligent student but that really made me happy to have someone following the path of coaching staff.“

Iwaizumi smiled and rubbed the back of his head,

„Well…“

„You’ll make it good in the future“ Mizoguchi added and Iwaizumis nodded.

„I’ll give it my all.“

„Saying this… where’s our famous Oikawa?“

Nobody answered this question of the coach and blinked in Iwaizumi’s direction.

He noticed, of course, but dropped it.

None of his business, anymore.

„Sorry! I’m really sorry!!“

A familiar voice shouted and there he was, all coming in, rushed and panting now like Iwaizumi did before.

„Oikawa!!“ „Our captain!!“

Oikawa smiled, apologized again, and then he saw his coaches, he got scolded — of course as a joke:

„Oikawa, still busy with your fangirls?“

„Ha, ha… well… eh… no… I missed the train!“

He and the two men exchanged some words but Iwaizumi noticed, how talented the brunette was in ignoring him.

He went to his seat again, telling Matsukawa that he would go to the buffet for a drink but Hanamaki followed him in an instant.

„Hey, everything’s okay?“

„Yeah, of course“ Iwaizumi murmured, his eyebrows knitted.

„You know, your furrow is as deep as usual?“

„I know.“

They walked to the buffet, lined up in the short queue and then chose a glass and some juice to drink.

„Have you ever talked to each other since… you know?“

„He dumped me?“ Iwaizumi spoke it out, giving a sarcastic smile. „No. He moved out within the next days, and that was it. No call, no message. Oikawa Tooru disappeared again.

„Wow… that’s harsh… even for him“ Hanamaki agreed, his hands in his pockets.

„Have you?“ Iwaizumi asked back, looking at him. There was no anger but curiosity. Thoughtfulness. The other hesitated first but went for the truth then…

„From time to time. Sometimes… he just knocked at the door or called out of the blue.“

„Not quite like him.“

„No.“

Iwaizumi did not seem to have the intention to go back too fast, so they sauntered through the gym.  
Waved at some common faces or looking puzzled when they were greeted by some strangers — at least they could not remember them from the distance.

„Are you really okay?“ Hanamaki asked once more and that was, when everything seemed to rain down on him.

Of course, he was not. Of course, it hurt like hell.

Of course, he wanted to scream. And of course…

„Hajime?“

The two men turned around in surprise, looking at a fair young lady in her beginning 30s.   
The same pretty woman, who had tried to hit on him during high school. The same one whom he had a good relationship since university.

„Long time no see! How are you doing?“ Yoshimura Makoto smiled at him with a generous face.

Oikawa did not pay attention to Iwaizumi at all.  
He had a hard timing thinking about whether he should go or not.  
Called up Mattsun, asked him out if Iwaizumi would come — of course pretty secretly.

„ _Oikawa, for real… even if you haven’t spoken to him for two years now. Don’t you wanna see the rest of us?“_

And that brought him to the conclusion that it was stupid to stay at home, just because his ex-boyfriend could attend the party.  
He would not even have to pay attention to him. He could just ignore him!  
And that was the whole thing he was doing.  
Of course, he had notice Iwaizumi next to the only empty seat. Of course, he had noticed him next to the coaches.   
Of course, he had also noticed how his ex-boyfriend glanced at him. Everything.

But. He. Did. Not. Want. To. Care.

Now sitting with Hanamaki and the others was such a delightful entertainment:  
They ate, drank, ate more, drank again, … it was so much fun and for the first time in this two years he really felt settled.  
Taken back to his high school days — though it was a bit strange because he was looking into the faces of somehow 30-year-olds.

„Oikawa, you’re a handful! You’ve always been!“ one of them shouted tipsily and burst out in laughter.

„I couldn’t believe it that you’d really travelled to Argentina!“

„Me neither“ admitted Oikawa, just as tipsy as everyone, „Going abroad! Ha ha… but… it sure was a blast.“ He calmed down, looking in his glass and the others started babbling all over, so he drifted a little bit away.

„Well I could never have done that! I swear!“

„Yeah, Yudacchi would have filled Argentina’s dry landscape with his flooding tears!“

„Not true! But think of all the sacrifices you have to make!“

Yuda blinked, looked straight at Oikawa.

„Captain, that was so brave!!“

Oikawa looked up. He gave a cracked smile.

„Brave?“ he repeated, „Well… yeah…“

Wow, what was that? Why did the gloominess take over?

Speaking of sacrifices, being brave, … it seemed so, right? That was the image everyone had?

  
They did not know how homesick he had felt with 19. Did not know how much he had yearned for being with Iwa-chan.  
Did not know what kind of thunderstorm their relationship had been and … did not know that he could have been dead by this time now.  
Did not know… that they broke up. That _he_ broke up with him.  
That he broke up with everything… because of his fucking self.

Because he did not have the strength.

„Sorry, have to see the toilet“ Oikawa swallowed, standing up and going straight ahead.

He needed some silence around him. Just… drowning silence, so he had not to listen to all this laughter. Did not have to see all the happy people why he still was feeling like a mess.

Two years… he had spent two years, doing nothing.

Moving out of Iwaizumi’s. Moving in an own flat, somewhere in the suburban area of Tokyo.  
Far away from the people who could be focused on him: the media.  
His sudden retirement had left some questions. Definitely.  
And he tried to avoid them all. Not so easy.

Still… he did not know what to do.

With his life.

And that hit him hard, now.  
It did not surprise Oikawa that the other did not have any clue — Argentina could not receive Japan’s news and the other way around. Like some firewall on the internet.  
Being replaced in his last match was also some common strategy which could be caused by many reasons… fuck, was he thinking about it again?!

Oikawa reached the outside the gym hall, finding his way to the toilet on the floor and inhaled deep.  
He should leave. He should just leave and never come back!

„Really?“ A female voice reached his ear. Someone… he remembered. He was not sure, but was curious and looked over his shoulder as he wanted to enter the bathroom. „So are you planning to go back to university? You could make a good prof!“

„No way. I’d miss the active part.“ Iwaizumi.

„But you’re good in teaching!“ the female talked back, „Come on! You were a fantastic tutor, I’ve seen you in the library with your fellow students!“

The female and Iwaizumi sat on the stairs, which led to the audience‘ places in the gym, having their back to Oikawa. A strange image — two adults sitting here like teenagers and kept chatting as if they were ditching class.  
She poked him into his side. He had to laugh.  
It… tickled him? Oikawa never knew that it was one of his weak spots… in all these years…

„Stop it!“

„Never!“

She turned her head, and that let Oikawa stiffen all at once… Yoshimura Makoto. It was her…

„I’d only stop if you date me!“

„What the fuck are you-“

„Language, Hajime!“

_She was calling him by his given name?_

A lump began to grow inside of Oikawa’s throat.

„Well, then don’t say something so stupid!“

_He had red cheeks. Iwaizumi almost never blushed!! Especially not among girls..._

„Why not?“

„Because you are tipsy, I’m sober, you’ll regret it and be embarrassed for the rest of your life and moreover you’re married!“

Falling in silence… she then burst out in laughter.

„You’re so freaking serious, Hajime! Of course, I wouldn’t date you!“

_That was a relief…_

„You know it won’t work out. No second chance.“

_That hurt._

Iwaizumi lowered his head, unaware of the fact that his ex-boyfriend was dropping eaves.

„Come on, you think I didn’t see you through? You’re like an open book since Oikawa came in!“

„You saw him?“

„Of course. I stood right beside him, then he rushed into the gym.“

„Dramatical as ever.“

„Nailed it.“

_How mean!_

„Hajime… what is it? What’s… on your mind?“

_Yeah… tell her. Tell her, what’s on your mind, Hajime!_

„I don’t know…“

_Coward!_

„I really don’t know… I… I didn’t think that he would come. But… my guts were a mess than I give it a thought that he could.“

„You’re broke up, right?“

„Yeah… somehow…“

„Somehow?“

„I never wanted to break up.“

_Liar. He wanted. Their friendship before._

„Not… giving up the only thing which always kept me going.“

_What?_

„Oikawa… Tooru… I’ve grown up with him. I’ve known him since we’ve been toddlers. I mean… how could I ever forget him? How could I ever move on, be over him?“

He heard Yoshimura’s sigh, seeing her stroking gently Iwaizumi’s shoulders.

„You shouldn’t“ she replied quietly, „You two… you shouldn’t be separated. How much do you wanna hurt you?“

„Ask him.“

_Unfair._

„You know… I’d do _anything_ for him. I saved the money just for a fucking 11 hours flight to Argentina because the flight route was so shitty! I tried to integrate him in my life in Irvine, so he would see that some things changed but not our bond. I endured all the fucking distance because it was his dream! I could move to Japan, stay in the US, wherever… but for Tooru it was… it was always that. And he did great! Beyond excellent!“

_Unfair…_

„And then he was so terribly ill… fuck… I… I never had such a break down. I curled up at my mother’s like a baby and cried! I was so worried that he might die and I… I wouldn’t have even noticed it because of the time zone shit!“

_Stop it…_

Iwaizumi’s voice was trembling so much, his words were shaky, too, and there was something inside Oikawa’s chest which awakened again. _Pain. Guilt. Regret._

„What am I to him anyway? He… treated me as if _I_ was the problem. As if… I was the reason he had to retire. As if I wanted something _bad_ for him…!! I just… I just didn’t want to be drowned. Wanted, that he could find some perspective, going on. And all he did was blaming me, that I … put him in a cage?! Of all people, _me_? Fuck it!“

He cupped his face with his hands and although there was not a sound, Yoshimura and Oikawa knew that he was about to cry.

„You’re really hurt…“ Yoshimura whispered again, pulling Iwaizumi in a gentle embrace, leaning her chin against his head, stroking his short, spiky hair and caressing his back. „I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for you… really…“

Oikawa tried to swallow the lump in his throat but almost choked. He stood silently behind the stairs, had listened to every word.

Still… he could not fix this.

*****

This night, Oikawa was lying in his bed, wide-awake. Ten minutes after he had eavesdropped the conversation between Iwaizumi and the medical Yoshimura girl, he went back to the squad and was almost welcomed back, because he took so long.  
Making some jokes, they kept being entertaining, and he really enjoyed the homecoming.  
Later, Iwaizumi got back, too, they gathered for some photos. Of course the whole senior year of 2013 but also the club by themselves. Together with coach Irihata and Mizoguchi.  
The outcome was generous, and looking at it made Oikawa feel indeed happy but still… he glanced over to Iwaizumi, every time. They both faked a smile.  
Oikawa was more used to is because the media often had caught him in Argentina but Iwaizumi… he looked exhausted. Had slight puffy eyes.

He looked at the lightened screen of his phone, blinked because his eyes got a bit dry recently and sighed …  
It was already 3 in the morning, and he could not get any sleep.

Getting up, he walked over to the small balcony of his flat and opened the large window. Sliding it aside, he stepped out. Taking a deep breath of the nightly air and got some goose bumps because a cold breeze ran over him. No surprise, living on the 12th floor.

Looking down at the city of Tokyo. There were only a few lights lit. The lanterns, some bureaus which were left, … of course the Skytree. He had a made a good choice with that flat but still… today he felt so fucking lonely.

Deciding to drink a glass of water, he went back, let the window be open for a second and switched the light on, dimmed.  
He took out a glass from the cupboard over the sink, filling it with some tip water and rushed it down his throat.  
Oikawa still was thirsty because of the alcohol but did not want to drink too much because of the following urge to go to pee for at least four times straight.

Dumb body!

Such a… stupid body.

Now it was not only his lunges which hurt him every once in a while but also his heart…

„ _And all he did was blaming me, that I … put him in a cage?! Of all people, me? Fuck it!“_

He had not thought that even once. Yes, he felt like being held in a golden cage but not by Iwaizumi. However, Iwaizumi had been the only one by his side.  
The only one, he was able to blame if he should not blame himself.

Stupid Iwa-chan.

It had always been that way.

He reached for his phone which was charging on the working bench, ready now with 100%.  
Seriously… what was he thinking?  
His finger activated the screensaver, unlocked the phone and then swiped down. He still had some apps open.  
Automatically he tapped on the messenger. Tapping someone’s name.

He had never blocked him.

First he wanted to.  
Out of rage.  
But he did not.

Still… there had not been any conversation since he moved out.  
The last one was about his leftovers…

He did not even change the name of his contacts…

His eyes were tired, he felt so sleepy and yet… he could not stop texting…

_Hey… still awake?_

Nothing more. Oikawa did not expect that there would be any reply, and he really felt like making a fool of himself.  
Why did he even try?  
He ignored him the whole evening and now he was coming around like some home abandoned cat.  
How pitiful did he become...

A sudden vibration sound filled the air.

Oikawa looked up, looked at the screen again and… no way…

_(Hajime, 3.18 AM)  
_ _Why are you?_

His heart jumped. He did reply! He really did!

Now… Oikawa was getting anxious. How to continue??  
He did not want to make his former best friend somehow angry, got him upset or anything like that… maybe… just staying honest would be the deal?

_(Tooru, 3:20 AM)  
_ _Too many on my mind.  
_ _You?_

This time the answer came right away:

_(Hajime, 3:20 AM)  
_ _Me, too._

Oikawa’s fingers went smooth over the screen, tapping on the digital keyboard and writing more.  
The first few words had him worried but now, funny, he was feeling more and more comfortable, although there was nothing like normalcy between them.

_(Tooru, 3:21 AM)  
_ _Still living in your old place?_

_(Hajime, 3:21 AM)  
_ _Yeah, why?_

_(Tooru, 3:22 AM)  
_ _Wanna go for a walk?_

Okay, that was daring. That was really, really daring and really, really silly!!  
His heart was racing.  
Admitting in some way, that he had not been living far away from Iwaizumi the whole time.  
Way more admitting that he … still needed to hang out with him. That he needed him.

There was a longer pause and it nearly made him faint.

Why did Iwaizumi take so long to answer??  
Did he fall asleep? He was that kind of guy!!

_(Iwaizumi, 3:30 AM)  
_ _Okay, I’m on my way.  
_ _The park?_

Oikawa could not help but grin honestly for the first time of the last 24 hours.

_(Tooru, 3:30 AM)  
_ _Sure._

*****

He knew that Iwaizumi would be faster than he was.  
The park was just five minutes away from his home. Oikawa himself had to walk around seven, if he hurried.  
And still having alcohol in his blood it was not so easy to _not_ stumble over his own limbs.  
He made it. He ran. Ignoring the stabbing pain caused by cool air and the sudden stress he put his body into.  
Because it felt like a chance you have for once in a lifetime.

But it was not.

It was already the third or fourth… he had not counted.  
The feeling inside his chest was just so present that Oikawa could not decline the urge to give it a last try.  
Not after hearing what Iwaizumi did say to Yoshimura.

„S-Sorry for being late“ he apologized, panting a bit and stopping right in front of Iwaizumi who was dressed in the same stuff as he had been in the evening.

Oikawa suggested that he did not even try to go to bed.

„Don’t mind“ Iwaizumi simply said, having a stern look in his face, tension which was build up because of the same reason as Oikawa felt his heart pounding:  
Anxiousness and fear.

They had it all.  
Talking over and over.  
Quarrelling.  
Making up.  
Fighting again.  
Breaking up.  
All that shit was done.

„Let’s walk this way?“ he pointed to the path which leads through the park.

„Y-Yeah“ Oikawa agreed.

It had not only been the impression because of his 12th floor-flat and it was always cooler up there - it really had gotten colder.  
They could see their own breath. Spring night still felt like early winter days.

Oikawa noticed that Iwaizumi’s head was lifted, that his eyes gazed at the sky.

He tried to do the same but… maybe it was his not so clear vision, his tiredness or the clouds that he could not detect any stars… Maybe… it had always been Iwaizumi, who had seen them for them.

Because Oikawa had been too busy, paying attention.  
Because he had never focused enough on their relationship?  
  
So many things, he finally began to realize.  
Turning 30 this year. And still a child by heart.

What the fuck.

They did not talk until they reached the large meadow with its high grass blades, which the wind kept singing.  
The path they had been walking so far circled around that area but Iwaizumi took a step on the dark grass.  
The soles of his shoes were pressing it down, making a funny sound.

„I-Iwa-ch… zumi!“ Oikawa called, but the other one did not stop.  
He continued walking, right in front of him and if Oikawa wanted to talk about anything at least, he had to follow.  
Take care where he put his feet, he glanced at Iwaizumi’s broad shoulders, hidden under his quilted navy blue jacked.  
His hands hang loose by his side. It would have been so easy to take them, hold them.  
The brunette bit his lower lip and looked down.

_No… that was not possible._

„Thought so… tonight’s perfect…“ the athletic trainer suddenly murmured and right in the middle of the meadow, no light around them except the lanterns from far away, he stopped.

So did Oikawa, looking puzzled.

As if Iwaizumi had seen his irritated face, he explained,  
„The stars. You can see them clearly now.“

Oikawa lift his head, too. A faint smile appeared on his lips. Letting him drown into that endless dark sky with all the glittering white dots, building some constellations, shining bright or fading nearly out.

„Pretty“ Iwaizumi whispered.

„Yeah… pretty…“ Oikawa responded absent-mindedly but did not look at the sky anymore… he looked at Iwaizumi.  
His _Iwa-chan_.  
His _Hajime_.

What kind of idiot had he been…

Iwaizumi chuckled a little bit, not noticing what had realisation had struck his old friend and ex-partner.

„You have never been interested into the stars, although you were such an alien freak!“ he exclaimed, looking down again, to Oikawa.  
Irritaed. Then his eyes widened. „Oikawa??“

_Don’t..._

„Don’t Oikawa-me!“ Oikawa suddenly burst out, still feeling tipsy but also sober enough to be sure of what he held in his heart, „Don’t. Just… call me by my name again…“

„W-What!? W-What is…“

„I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking of you!“

„O-Oi, w-wait!“ Iwaizumi held his hand in front of him, showing some defence, „This wasn’t meant-“

„Whatever!“ he cut Iwaizumi off, getting angrier with himself, was near sobbing but withstand it. For now. „I heard you.“

„What do you mean?“

„Talking to Yoshimura.“

„E-Eh?!“

„It wasn’t on purpose. I just… wanted to go to the bathroom and then I heard you.“

Iwaizumi’s face hardened a bit. The calm expression faded, and he seemed to get uncomfortable, shifting his hand in his jacket’s pockets.  
That was definitely nothing he had wanted to talk about now.

„You’re drunk, aren’t you?“ he asked quietly, „Don’t talk about stuff you might regret.“

„Damn it, Hajime, I’m sober enough to realize what a fucking idiot I’ve been!“ Oikawa shouted, running his fingers through his hair and shaking his head. „I’m… such a fucking idiot… I didn’t know… I mean… I didn’t see…“

„ _Oikawa_ …“ Iwaizumi tried again, and he used his last name on purpose. He did not know where this would lead them, but he feared getting too close again. Right now. „It’s true… what I told Makoto. I’m more than angry at you. Even after two years.“ He inhaled, looking absolutely serious now, „I busted more than a gut for you“, he then began to giving further explanations, „I… always did. And I thought that you would do the same for me.“

Oikawa looked up, right into the other’s green eyes that watched him so carefully … again.  
Yes, Iwaizumi was upset but… in his eyes, the former setter could see his worries.

„Seeing you almost die was the worst thing ever… you heard what I said“ Iwaizumi continued, „Also… seeing you die on the court was the second worst thing. I wasn’t able to help you. That … still pisses me off.“ He cracked a smile and then lowered his gaze, „I never wanted to put you in irons. But tell me… was it exaggerated to worry? Did you find… something else you could in life?“

Now it was Oikawa’s turn to lower his head.

„No…“

Iwaizumi exhaled.

„I just… don’t know. Volleyball got taken away from me… not because of my knee but because of something invisible and… you know…“

„I know“ Iwaizumi nodded, „That’s why I kept insisting. To… have a look. Trying stuff. Nothing more.“

„I know“ Oikawa used the same words, „I… knew it the whole time…“

  
They both stay silent for a moment.

Then, Iwaizumi set his gaze at the sky again.

„You hurt me really bad, Tooru“, he whispered, making Oikawa blink and swallowing hard. Yeah… he did… he said that Iwaizumi hurt him but in fact he was the one who ruined it. Again. „Not with your words… as I told you… I’ve known you since we’ve been toddlers. You always make a fuzz. You’re always dramatic. You put on a show just that nobody can look behind the scenes. It… got better but sometimes you still do this. That’s something I can deal with.“

His shoulders sank and his composure became weaker. Oikawa could see this all — he also had known Iwaizumi for so long… that he knew all about his quirks, his strange habits, … they were the same.

„What I can’t deal with… when you just disappeared. Fuck…“ His bitter chuckling sounded in the air and Iwaizumi’s voice trembled, „We had a long-distance relationship, Tooru! We made it through all these years and… in your worst time I couldn’t be there for you, just… having phone calls and all. We’d been through so much shit… and then… you really just disappeared? You fucking moron!!“ he insulted now, getting louder.

Another defence strategy of his, because he would rather cry instead.  
Going on the offense was a much more comfortable idea. So he did.

„I know…“ Oikawa repeated once more, „And… I’m sorry…“

„Fuck you, I worried so much I got wrinkles on my forehead and grey hairs!“

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa again.

„And still I accept your request to go for a walk! Really, that was so lame, Shittykawa!“ Blinking because of irritation, the brunette could not answer. „Don’t give me a _Hey_ when the last thing said was taking your leftovers the other day. And don’t give me a _Hey_ after you kept ignoring me the whole evening!“

_Ouch…_

„Yes…“

„But you know what the worst thing is?“

Oikawa shrugged. He did not know anything anymore.  
Iwaizumi released a long sigh, ran his fingers through his short spiky hair. His expression became much softer, now, almost gentle after he got calmer.  
His eyes did not show pain or hate. Not anger, nor frustration.  
They just… expressed something, Oikawa had been known for a long time.

And lost it.

„The worst thing is… even after this… I’m still such the big idiot I am. Even after this… I still love you.“

A lost smile. So… fragile… so soft… love...

The brunette could not hide his sobbing anymore.  
He cupped his mouth with one hand but it did not help. He tried to blink the tears away.  
Not helping!

„Tooru… maybe… it’s the worst I can do, but… I can’t stop loving you. I’ll never will.“

Pain left his heart. Warmth rushed in. These words… seem to heal more than the last two years which had passed.

Iwaizumi stepped towards him.

His hands moved to Tooru’s waist. He pulled him closer, felt his body for the first time in forever. Iwaizumi’s fingertips were tickling and although he just touched the other through his clothes, Oikawa’s skin burned.

Leaning in he stroked over Oikawa’s perfect shape of his face, behind his right ear. Iwaizumi’s eyes observed every inch of him. Taking notice of every wrinkle, every strand of hair, his lashes, brown watery eyes, trembling lips… those… trembling lips…

„I’m… going to kiss you…“

„Do… as you please“ Oikawa whispered back, feeling already the hot breath of his opposite who now cupped his cheek fully and then… just after looking him in the eye for another moment, touched softly this lovely mouth of him.

Moving closer, caressing the other’s reddish flesh, sucking lightly like he did a long time ago.

Deepen the whole kiss, tilting heads, bodies touching, heavy breathing...

Everything felt so familiar, still so new.

When… had they kissed the last time?  
It was so long ago…  
Oikawa slowly closed his eyes, absorbing every kind of pleasure he could get.  
Just feeling. Just… being drowned again in the never-ending feelings for Iwa-chan.  
Tasting him, smelling him, hearing him ... all senses were focused on the man who had stolen his heart.

„Hajime…“ he murmured when they finally parted.

„Tooru, I… I don’t want to give up on you“ Iwaizumi murmured, holding him now in a tight embrace and speaking directly into his ear: „I want to be with you. I wanna love you. But… I can’t do this on my own.“

_No, of course, he could not…_

„I… want this, too“, Oikawa admitted quietly, „I… I still want to be with you. Live with you. Love you. Maybe… someday marry you. Want to spend my life with you, Hajime. And I… I know… I know I have to work for it.“

Iwaizumi nodded, another weak smile on his face.

He released the hug and looked Oikawa in the eye,

„Let us… start again. Let’s try this again. I mean… we’re both in Japan, no fucking distance between us… just... Let us talk this out and find a solution.“

Oikawa agreed.  
It was another promise they made, under the stars of Tokyo, shining so bright on them.  
They could not return to what they had so easily.  
There was still so much to do, so much more to learn.

So many things… but they could try.

And they would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter - tomorrow it is the bonus part's turn. I hope that I will make it, because I am still writing ha ha...  
> Well, I could not end this badly... after all... but it also is not a happy end - You never know what the future is like, what obstacles you have to overcome ... and therefore, there will be chapter 7. <3
> 
> It really was an experience, writing all these chapters in English, right from the start.  
> I noticed, how hard it is to put all the emotions into a foreign language and I am not so sure if I could hit the reader's hearts as I may have in my mother tongue.  
> But spreading HQ and IwaOi love is such a beautiful thing... I could not resist. <3
> 
> Thanks for reading. <3


	7. Has it always been this silent?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Because… I’m at my limit. I’m at my limit and yes… I’m… maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I just have some kind of mental breakdown but yes… I thought about a divorce…“  
> „Hajime…“ Tooru felt his chest tightened. „We… we will fix it! I… I finally have a perspective. I’ll work in that project and if we come along well, I’ll ask for something fixed!“ he smiled helplessly, „I’m better now. Really.“  
> „I know… I know…“ Hajime murmured, let his hand fall from Tooru’s cheek and put his head in his palms. „And… I really don’t want to feel that way… I… I love you. But… I’m just fucking exhausted… Tooru, what you said… about… that you don’t feel like we’re married anymore… I miss it, too“ he almost continued whispering, „I… miss it, too. Cuddling. In the morning, in the evening. Kissing, snogging with you. Touching you, caressing you. To sleep with you and just… have that kind of soft or hard sex we’re used to. I really miss it!“ he cried out, „And instead I’m doing all the opposites. Doing everything which hurt you because… I’m so fucking tired! I want to embrace you and hug you, Tooru. But …“

„Fuck, Tooru!! How many times do I have to tell you not to put anything on the washing machine?!“

The voice of Iwaizumi Hajime, 32 years, still athletic trainer, sounded angry through the flat.

„S-sorry… I… forgot?“ Tooru smiled sheepishly at his fiancé and tried to look very sorry.  
Actually he was not. He did not understand what the problem was?  
Why did it upset Iwaizumi every time so much when he put anything on the closed (!) washing machine?  
  
Maybe, because it was _his_ washing machine. And he had to remove everything when he wanted to wash his clothes.  
Or because it was not only the washing machine but so many other things which were disturbing:  
Dishes, which were not done. The vacuum cleaner, standing on the wrong side of the room.  
  
„Seriously… how many times did I tell you-“

But he was cut off with a fast kiss. A very passionate one. Just the type of kiss Tooru used to make things up. And that annoyed him even more.,  
He gnarled and pushed the brunette on the shoulders, so their lips parted, and they could look each other in the eye.

„Tooru! Please… just… don’t make this harder.“  
Hajime turned, sighed, and were about to go into the floor,  
„I have a meeting today, so … please just remove that stuff and … whatever.“

Tooru stayed silent but his face expression went more neutral, almost a bit sad.

He followed his beloved Iwa-chan, looking at his back, when he was about putting on his shoes in the small entry area.

His arms reached out for the other men, for his muscular torso which was neatly presented through his black polo-shirt, and he embraced him from behind.

„I’m sorry“ Tooru whispered and that was more than you could usually get out of him.  
Iwaizumi already stood straight again, looked to the ceiling and exhaled.

„Just… really… just change something, okay?“ he said, turned with the crack of a smile and then kissed his lover good-bye. „I’ll be back on the late afternoon. I’m going to grab something for dinner, okay? Anything preferred?“

„No… it’s okay. Just choose as you like“ Oikawa waved and put on a fake smile.

„Love you.“

„Love you more.“

The door closed.

Tooru still stood in the floor, looking at the wooden entrance and got lost in thought.  
  
Another day… It had been… three more years.  
After the reunion, half a year later on Christmas — the day we finally accepted each other’s feelings and had kissed for the first time — Hajime had proposed as promised.  
He was the kind of guy who kept his promises, whatever it took.

Of course, Tooru had become impatient and moreover he did not expect it. Really.  
When Hajime’s Christmas present had been in a small box, the brunette did not think of a ring or something like that either. And there had not been one. Just a small memo.  
  
_ Oikawa Tooru, will you marry me? _  
  
His ten times of saying _Yes_ had echoed through the whole flat. He had flung himself around Iwaizumi’s neck, so they both fell on the couch, laughing. So happy.  
Smiling, his fiancé had put the ring on Tooru’s finger and showed him that he already was wearing his own. Making love that evening, it was just a tremendous overwhelming feeling. He still could remember it… Then, with planning and everything, a year passed.  
  
They married officially in the city hall of Shibuya, Tokyo. But they got their own private ceremony, just with their closest family and friends in a wonderful romantic ambient, in one of Miyagi's old-fashioned parks… Marriage… he had moved in to Hajime’s and seeing his own name first was so exciting! Then they removed _Oikawa_ — he was officially _Iwaizumi _Tooru, now. Although most of his friends still called him by his birth name.  
Already three years had passed.  
They were still married. Still living in this flat. Why… did it seem that it was not enough?  
Tooru felt more and more like something was missing.  
It could not be blamed to his flaw that he could not play volleyball as a pro anymore.  
Before they found each other again and married, there had been a 2-year pause. Where he had done practically nothing. Being depressed and shit.  
Getting together with Hajime…  
  
„Tooru, get your ass up and try to find some therapist!“

„Why? I’m okay!“

„You’re not! You have a fucking depressive episode — over two years straight — and you won’t do anything to change that!“  
  


He had been so angry with Hajime at first but in the end he was really grateful.  
Undergoing the therapy, he got stronger. He could overcome his trauma but also his fear and finding confidence in his body again.  
It just needed time. More than a year.

  
After that, Tooru was able to see everything a little bit more positive. He looked for a job.   
Looked for something new. He still had not found it, but he worked on it. And as the hard worker he was, he would definitely make it! That question was out of place.  
Hajime also encouraged him for everything he tried, because he knew who much Tooru suffered from seeing his dream destroyed.  
On the other hand, then he turned 31, it somehow became easier.  
Maybe, because most athletes were about to retire at that age. Yes, being a setter could mean, that you could play longer but only if your shoulder girdle was still intact — some common point of injury the older you get.  
But seeing, that a lot of his old rivals and acquaintances were about to settle down more and more, it put him on ease.  
So that was not the point.  
  
But what was it then?  
  
Why… they could not be so close anymore, recently?

They always had found time for being in love with each other, making love, being intimate. That had changed the last four months. At first, Tooru thought it was because of the stress Hajime had, but it was not. He was not stressed at all, only a bit overworking. But he was fine.  
Then their free days, spending in bed or strolling in town disappeared one by one, too.  
And now… sometimes Hajime was also sleeping of the couch because he „had so much to do and did not want to wake him everytime he went to bed, late. “  
  
Still standing in the entrance, he finally blinked, turned around and tried to get a grip of himself.  
Pondering would not help at all. Point.

*****

  
The next day he went to his work — working in a bookshop, selling all kind of literature and some other gimmicks they offered. He had been employed for a year now, and it was okay.  
The job was not so hard, he still was in good constitution, just when he had to work in the archive it got tricky , sometimes, and his lungs needed a break .  
But Tooru was acknowledged by the surrounding people, and he had a responsible thing to care for.  
He just… did not like to talk about after his shift. He was the one who asked Hajime about his day, what he had experienced, etc. but never answered in return.

„That makes 800 Yen, please“ he said, putting everything in the small paper bag and handing it over to the customer, a teenage girl, which seemed to be very excited to be treated by him.

„E-Excuse me“ she said while she was taking out the money of her purse, „Are you… Oikawa Tooru by any chance? “

His eyes widened, and he could not reply.

„I just wondered… your face seems familiar and… I… was a big fan of him!“ she explained shyly, taking the bag.

„Well… just a coincidence“ Tooru put on a fake smile, got the money, gave her the change and the receipt, then saying politely„Good-bye. “  
  


The girl was not so sure about it and… another day, another chance.  
She bought another book, got to the cashier desk and greeted him friendly.

„Hello?“ he said, very surprised to see her again.

„Hello, I just thought, that book would be great, too!“

He looked at the cover… it was…  
_100 secrets of loving volleyball_  
That… chick…

„Yes, I think so, too! It has great reviews!“ he smiled his charming smile again.  
  
Day three. He already saw her entering the bookshop.  
The girl just grabbed a book from one of the shelves, came over and put it on the desk.

„You're really a diligent reader, are you?“ Tooru could not hide is natural sarcasm, but she only smiled on his stressed face,

„Well, I am.“

„How old are you?“

„Seventeen! Why?“

„Then I’m not allowed to sell you that book.“

„Isn’t it good?“

„It is but-“ He stopped. She grinned at him pretty mean. Nailed him. With a slight blush on his face, Tooru took the book, „Whatever. It’s not for minors, and I don’t think you wanna read something about gay sex practices?“

„No, that’s true.“ After he put the book behind him on the table for the returned items, he crossed his arms.

„Okay, what are you here for?“

The girl put on her generous smile and then decided to exclaim proudly:  
„For Oikawa Tooru, world's famous setter~!!“

Tooru shrieked, looking around and seeing some heads turning around to them. His heart pounded shocked, but they just had reacted because of the noisy sound.  
He pressed his index finger on his lips.

„Shut up!“ he hissed and finally admitted that it was him.

„I knew it!“ she grinned.

„What are you up for? What do you want? Money?“ he suggested. Still pretty sceptical about her appearance.

„No, I just… want to hang out with you!“ she answered, and her smile was not mean or harsh… it was really gentle. For the first time, he noticed the girl’s pretty face — still a bit cheeky but large brown eyes like his own — dark brown hair, held together with a hair tie deeply in the neck, little bit more than shoulder-length. She wore a high school uniform — the blazer style with a sky blue checked skirt, dark knee-length socks, black slippers, a white blouse and a beige vest and a berry coloured ribbon. Yes, she was somehow cute. A typical Tokyo teenager with some accessories on her school bag. And she was as persistent as she was cute.

„Okay… I’ll… give you ten minutes. I have my break right now.“

And he did not want to spend the whole hour with her… that nagging child.  
  
But he did.

The girl, named Hanazaki Mayuko was — as she had told him — 17 years old, lived in the Setagaya district of Tokyo, went to a public high school, 3rd year and was absolutely in love with volleyball since she was ten. She was playing in her school club, had the defense position but wanted to change, before the Interhigh would take place. She loved pancakes, with strawberry jam, listened to K-POP and some Japanese bands, but also liked western music very much. Her zodiac was cancer and her birthday the 19th July. (How funny!) She had a boyfriend, but he was stupid, and she thought of ditching him.

That was everything he got to know about her within five of sixty minutes.  
He almost saw the smoke coming out of his ears.  
Mayuko was really nervous around him and when he asked her why, she held up her hands and waved,

„Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you or so! You’re already over 30!“ Thanks for the compliment. „But I… really admire you, Oikawa-san. You got me into Volleyball. “

That was when Tooru blinked.

„Me?“

„Yeah, you… had a huge influence on me and a lot of other people, didn’t you know?“

No, he did not.

„I watched a game of San Juan on the internet when I was a kid with my cousin. And he always babbled about the cool wing spiker! “ Ah… Miguel… „But I thought that he wasn’t the coolest. You were. “ There was a slight blush on Tooru’s cheeks. „ I mean… being a spiker is pretty cool but being a setter… it’s awesome!! You have to make up a strategy. You help the others to bring up their potential to their fullest and you’re tricking the middle blockers! “ She got overly excited and giggled. Tapping with her feet on the ground while she was sitting on a bench with him, right in the park, just 2 minutes away from the bookshop. „And your play is soooo elegant and sooooo …. WOW! “  
she nearly screamed and putting herself together again. „So… I was really sad when you vanished all in a sudden… after the Olympics.“

Her face went sad like her voice. Tooru, who had trying to eat something in between because he had to continue his shift later, paused, and looked at her. Knitting his eyebrows.

„There was nothing about you! I searched on the internet and everything but… nobody knew something! Like you’ve… never existed! That was so awful!“

He had never thought that someone — besides his beloved ones — would be so influenced by his retirement…

„And now see who I’ve found here!“ she smiled a bit, „Selling in the coolest bookshop in town!“

Mayuko looked at him, focusing and asked,  
„You’re… not coming back, right? Was it… because of your knee? “ She had a good knowledge about her idol.  
Tooru almost smirked.

„No, not about that“ he said, „That would have been a problem , I guess , yeah , but… my lunges aren’t working anymore as they should. “  
His tone was bitter, and he stopped looking at her.  
Mayuko tried to understand.

„So… it’s true that you caught it, back when?“

„Eh?“

„During the Olympics… there was some rumour, ongoing on social media, that you caught the virus thing in 2020 and had an awful aftermath…“ she explained quietly.

„Well… you can put it like that.“ Tooru put his chopsticks of his unfinished bentou aside. He was not in the mood to eat anymore.

„I’m sorry. That’s hard. My mom had it, too. She lost her tasting sense for more than a year. It still hasn’t recover to 100%.“

„Sorry to hear… well…“

„At least you’re alive.“

„Yeah…“

That was something he only had told his therapist during the sessions…  
  
„Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to die.“

He had hated himself for those thoughts because he knew what this would have done to everyone around him.  
But not being able to play anymore, losing his identity he had built up from elementary school on… sometimes he had only felt pitch-black darkness, creeping up on him.  
  
Tooru never talked about this with Hajime.  
It would have broken his heart.

„But… why aren’t you working for the Volleyball Association?“ Mayuko wondered, „I mean… you were such a talented player. You could do all kind of jobs there! Promotion! Teaching! Or global development of the sports! I don’t know!“

„Well“ Tooru leaned back and lift his head to the blue sky, „That’s not so easy.“ She stayed quiet and wanted to listen. „When I decided to go to Argentina, I was 18. I guess, you know that. “ She nodded. „So I became a volleyball pro immediately. The good thing was, I could work on my talents, emphasize my strengths and fight my weak points. The bad thing was, I hadn’t any further education like going to university or something like that. The loan was enough that I could live on my own.“

„But… you would have retired by now, nonetheless, right? It isn’t much of a difference?!“

„No, but… I just can’t. You know, Mayuko-chan, my husband is working as an athletic trainer. He’s with the Japanese national team the whole time. Is working with injuries, rehab and prevention — all that kind of stuff. And it sucks. It sucks, because I’m one of them but I’m not.  
I ask him every day about his work ,  I’m really curious, no fake, but it hurts like hell. Still. Like… being stabbed by a knife. Don’t know, if stabbing feels like it but I think it does…“

Mayuko stayed silent again, but her face was firm. First she was excited because she had wanted to ask him about the ring on his finger and was much even more excited hearing that Oikawa Tooru was married to a guy, but now… it changed. That did not matter now.

„Ah sorry, I’m babbling. That’s none of your business. What else do you want to know?“ he tried to change the subject, again, grinning at her.

„So… it hurts you? Volleyball, I mean?“ she did not stop and was about to talking right through it. „If you watch a match… it will be painful? And… if you talk to your husband, and he tells you about his day at work… it will also cause you pain? Did you… regret that you had started with volleyball?“

„What? I-I don’t get it?!“

„Oikawa-san…“ he grabbed the folds of her skirt and clenched her fists, „Everything I watched one of your games… I loved it. Not only because your skills are just wow, but also because I felt how much you love that sport. And… I can’t believe that you don’t.“

„Things change“ he simply stated, wanted to shrug his shoulders.

„Oh, don’t give me that shit!“ she suddenly jumped and looked at him, who was startled. „You’re hurt, yeah! But I don’t think that you hate Volleyball! If you do… when your eyes wouldn’t sparkle every time I say it!“

„T-They don’t?“ Tooru seemed to be irritated.

„Volleyball!“  
…  
Tooru almost blinked.  
Mayuko’s eyes narrowed.

„Volleyball!“

Again.

„H-Hey, stop that-“ he wanted to say but was cut off by a whole march of

„Volleyball! Volleyball! Volleyball! Volleyball! Volleyball!“ shouts.

„Argh, stop it, Mayuko-chan!! PLEASE!! “ Tooru pleaded, cupping his hands over his ears.

„You love it! You always will!! You said it by yourself!!“  
  
_What?_  
  
Mayuko calmed down a bit and looked at Tooru who put his hand in his chest again.  
„You said it… in an interview… Whatever… “  
  
_Whatever will happen to me, if my knee got too bad to play with, if I can’t earn enough money with playing to have a living , if the world will end … I will never stop loving volleyball. Feeling the joy that sport is giving me, just by touching a ball._  
  
He remembered… he clearly remembered… and remembered everything.  
Everything he had been through…  
Learning how to play on his own with Iwa-chan, watching videos and trying to imitate the players. Going to one national match Japan vs Argentina and meeting his idol Blanco. When he decided to become a setter like him! Learning for real at _Lyl ‘ Tykes volleyball classroom_ — where he later was a coach on his own, too — with Iwa-chan and joining the volleyball club with him at Kitagawa Daiichi’s. The fights he had with Hajime because of his overworking, the so talented Tobio-chan, being replaced because of his own stupidity. The influence Hajime had on him, stating clearly that only the strongest six can win. As a team. Losing against Shiratorizawa twice. But receiving the certificate for being the best setter of the prefecture for the first time. Joining the Aoba Johsai volleyball club. Becoming a captain. Working hard on and with his team. Meeting Karasuno. Losing against Shiratorizawa and therefore Ushijma for the third time. Meeting his idol Blanco again, who gave him a lifechanging advice. Losing to Karasuno. The tearful scene when he had to thank his senior colleagues for the last three high school tears. Hajime, telling him how proud he was of him as a setter and partner and that this will never ever change, even if the teams change. His sudden decision to go abroad. Joining the San Juan Volleyball team and training under Blanco. His first weeks in a foreign country, studying an unknown language, trying to adapt to the foreign culture. His lonely nights which even got worse when he had talked to Hajime over the phone. Because he was missing him so much. Their long-distance friendship and then relationship.  
Meeting Shouyou in Brazil and playing with him as team Ken Watanabe.  
Playing for the Argentinean league. Playing for Argentina. The exhausting 2018 competitions with travelling around the world. His fight with Hajime. Then 2020… the horror of seeing his lovely Abuela getting sick, his neighbours, too. Seeing someone for the first time of his life, collapsing. Getting into a serious state, too. The fear he had tried to suppress. The lockdown itself. Being charged to the ICU and fighting for his life. Waking up and thinking That was it! Getting healthy again while his friend did not. Being discharged and seeing Hajime over the phone for the first time. That warm feeling inside him. The stress afterwards. The strange practice-with-distance. Then the Olympics and his very own feeling of not gonna make it through. Retirement.  
Moving in Hajime’s flat. Fights. Got lost. Depressed. Escaping and hiding from the world for almost two years. Joining the graduation class‘ meet-up. Making up with Hajime again. Therapy. And now… he was standing here…  
  
„O-Oikawa-san!!“

He did not notice but tears were running over his cheeks. He sobbed, sobbed more and wiped hastily the wet drops away.

„S-sorry, I just… you… that reminds me of something… some things…“

Mayuko came over, patted his head on top.  
„It’s okay, it’s okay“ she muttered.

„What am I? Your child?!“ he shouted then, still teary, „You could be my daughter!“

She shrugged.

„Oikawa-san… I’ll… come back tomorrow. I bring something for you.“

Tooru looked at her in disbelief. What… was that girl up to??  
  
  


*****

  
  
When he returned home, he simply stated a tired „I’m back…“

Getting into comfortable clothes, he came to the living room afterwards where Hajime was sitting on the couch. He looked up,

„Welcome back! … Huh? Everything’s alright?“ His eyes show worry and Tooru just smiled wryly,

„Yeah, yeah. I’m… tired. Work was exhausting.“

„Are you sure? Your eyes are puffy…“

„Maybe…“

They look at each other and then Tooru decided to sit down, next to him.  
Hajime did not expect anything, already wanted to continue reading the article about the awareness for athletic training in the human medicine, treatment of sportsmen in the hospital, when his husband began to speak,

„There… is that girl who has been come by for three days straight, always buying some random chosen books…“  
Hajime looked up, putting immediately the magazine away and also his glasses.  
That… was the first time in the whole year, Tooru seemed to speak about his work much more than just a sentence.

„Okay?“ he nodded, „What… is with her?“

„Hanazaki Mayuko, 17 years, senior year of high school, her boyfriend is a jerk, and she loves pancaked with strawberry jam.“

„What?“ Of course, his husband was irritated.

„I… talked to her during lunchtime… she insisted. That was, which I heard in one minute.“

„Wow… she’s a… cheerful one.“

„Nicely said.“ Tooru exhaled, „Mayuko-chan asked me three days ago if I’m that Oikawa Tooru… I declined, but she was so persistent and today, after she almost called out the whole shop, I had to admit.“

Hajime chuckled a little bit and put on a smile.

„That’s … pretty harsh“ he teased, „So… she’s a fan of yours?“

„Since she was ten.“

„That’s early for an Oikawa-fangirl.“

„Could you stop teasing me?“ he scolded Hajime with a sulking face.

„Sorry. But I mean it“ Hajime smiled apologetically, „When was this… 2019?“

„She watched some old games on the internet with her cousin and wanted to play volleyball after that, too…“  
  
Tooru got a little bit distracted, thinking of Mayuko and her excitement. How thrilled she was, telling him her favourite parts, even he had forgotten.  
It reminded him a bit of Chibichan… Shouyou.  
  
He did not notice how Hajime watched him, carefully. Almost observing.

„You know… it was strange… she… asked me then about my retirement and… I just told the truth. About being sick and all. I guess, I shocked her a bit and… what I really had never seen before… that I have also influenced people to become volleyball players or fans. That… I also inspired them like they did. The reason why I became a setter. In all these years… sure, I’ve met some kids but I’ve never talked to one who actually said that he or she started playing because of me. “ Tooru’s face softened.  „And, moreover… think of it, Hajime, we’re… 32 now… the generation after, it’s somehow scary to see how much time had passed but… because of that. Looking in her face and remember all these years… shit, I cried in front of a 17-year-old girl who could be my daughter!“

„If you started early!“

„It’s just a fact that it could be!“

„Yeah, okay. Go on.“

Tooru added quietly,  
„I… was just so overwhelmed… and then… she asked me why I’m not working at the association or something like that and… she just nagged me! Bothering me the whole time!! She was sooo full of herself that I would still hold on it! Still hold on to Volleyball! She repeated that five times! Five!“

Hajime kept listening, watching him. He noticed how Tooru’s emotions ran overboard, how he did not know to be calm and composed anymore. That girl had triggered something in him that he did not was to show. That he did avoid the whole time.  
  
„Are you?“ his husband simply asked. Just two words. „Yes or no?“ Just a one-word question.  
And what came up in Oikawa's eyes was the yearning. Yearning to standing on the court again. Yearning for everything he had. Desperately.  
Hajime did not expect that he would admit, but he did:  
  
„I am.“ A sigh left his throat. „Every single day…“

He paused, went quiet and got drifted away by his thoughts.  
After two more minutes of saying nothing, Hajime leaned in, kissing his husband’s temple softly.  
  
„That’s a good one.“

„Huh?“

„That you… finally admit that you didn’t even have during your therapy sessions.“  
  


_True._  
  


„Will you… work on it?“

„Huh?“ Tooru made again and gave him a puzzled look.

„On your feelings.“

„I-I still don’t know… it was some kind of realization but…“ Tooru blinked, looked to the side, „I haven’t made up my mind yet.“

„Okay… just think properly about it, hm?“

His husband stood up from the couch.

„Wanna have some tea?“

„Yeah… sure…“  
  


Tooru watched him going to the kitchen, preparing the mugs and the kettle for boiling the water.  
  
_What… was wrong?_  
  
Why did he feel so utterly wrong after talking with Hajime?

  
„Tooru?“

„Y-Yes?“

„I’m glad, you started talking about… well… more or less work“ Hajime added quietly.

„Uh…“  
  
He never had, had not he…

  
** * **

  
„Oi-ka-wa-saaaaan~“ her cheerfully voice sang through the shop and Tooru lowered his head. This girl was trouble!

„Psst! How often do I have to tell you to be quiet!“ But all she did was grinning. „What’s… in your stupid little brain, Mayuko-chan?“

She grinned even more — from ear to ear — and then said mysteriously,

„You’ll find out after work! Your shift is almost over, right?“

Right. Five more minutes.

„I’ll wait outside.“  
  
And there she was…  
  
Even sighing would not help, and so he got out, dressed in his usual street wear , looking around and finding her sitting on the safety trailing, which separated pavement and street .  
  
„That’s dangerous, get off“ he scolded her. Mayuko looked up and laughed, jumping off:  
„Yes daddy!“

„Stop calling me that!“

„Why? It’s funny!“

„It’s not!“  
  
She walked ahead, and so he began to follow her. It was his home route anyway.  
  
„So what have you planned?“ he asked impatiently and Mayuko turned around:

„That’s — a — secret!“ she winked and got Tooru somehow a bit angry,

„Come on! You already said that!“

„We’ll be there, soon!“ she promised, and so they went in silence.

At least, as long as Tooru’s curiosity in this girl took over,

„Why are you so… persistent? “ he asked and wanted to have said stubborn, but that was not charming.  
It was already hard enough to be polite with her…

„Because I’m your fan!“ she simply exclaimed, looking over her shoulder and then in front of her again, „First, you lied about your identity. Okay. That’s what I understand if you wanna have your peace. But I can’t stand liars if it comes to important stuff.“

He raised his eyebrows. What important stuff?

They reached a park, and she entered through the main gate. He still wondered what she was up to, but followed, nonetheless.

„You know, you really upset me!“ Mayuko then stated and got Tooru startled.

„W-What?!“

„You upset me! With your whole Volleyball-is-for-kiddies-I-don‘t-need-it-attitude! Disgusting!“

„D-Don't be so rude!“ he wanted to cut her off, but she did not even listen.

„I always looked up to you. I can’t believe that you’re such a loser, right now. And I don’t.“ she explained quieter, „I’ve seen it. Yesterday. You’re still passionate over volleyball! And I think… it’s just… too painful for you to admit.“

  
_Shot._

  
Now she stopped and opened her bulged bag. Taking out a… volleyball.

„Let’s play“ she commanded.

„W-Wait!“ Tooru looked at her, little bit helpless, „I’m absolutely not used to-“

But Mayuko did not wait and had already thrown the ball at him.  
Even if he rejected it… his body did not.  
It responded like it always did. A fair and smooth movement, lifting his arms above his head, reaching out towards the sky. Eyes focused, his hands touched the ball still with the precision he had all along. No rotation. A perfect toss to Mayuko.  
She caught the ball but looked stunned. And so did Tooru.

„You still have it“ she whispered and yeah… he had it.

That feeling.  
That burning in the fingertips.  
That satisfaction after seeing the ball leave his hands.  
  
„No, I don’t“ he declined and put his arms again to his side. „ I… I never will again, okay? That chapter ended- ouch!!“

„Don’t be such an asshole!!“ she shouted and threw the ball again but directly in is face… something Hajime did during school days more than once. „Believe it or not! You’re my idol, you’ll always be! When I go to college, I want to brag about the fact that I know you! So get your shit together!!“

She stared at him with so much anger, so much frustration and somehow a little bit sadness.  
But when she realized that she was about being upset because of someone’s life which she did not have any influence, which was not for her good to decide and change, Mayuko lowered her head a bit and her shoulders fell.

„Sorry… I’m not in the position to tell you what to do.“  
  
Tooru looked at her in irritation and swallowed. He did not respond.  
He did not understand, why she was so eager on getting him back on track.  
  
„Mayuko-chan… why… why are you doing this for me? “ he asked her silently and stepped towards her. „We don’t even know each other?“

„I told you“ she whispered, seeming unable to face him again, „I don’t believe that you don’t love Volleyball anymore — and I was right.“

„That’s a bold reason.“

„Stop mocking me!“, she then shouted and looked up.  
That was, when he saw the glistening tears in the girl’s eyes. Just when she realized that, she wiped her tears furiously away. „Whatever! Don’t think I’m crying because of you.“

„But you do?“

„I don't! Something got into my eyes!“

Tooru smirked a bit and … patted her on her head.  
„There, there…“

„Stop it! What am I? Your daughter?“

He just kept smirking.

„Thanks, Mayuko-chan“ Tooru honestly said,

„Never mind.“ She breathed and got her position a little bit more straight again. „Could you… teach me some sets?“ Mayuko asked, „That’s what I brought the ball anyway. I suck at gos and ones.“

She tried to be tough.  
He accepted and nodded.

„Okay.“

*****

  
  
Teaching Mayuko was an extraordinary experience. She was a fast learner, was focused and concentrated and knew about her weak spots, so she could get rid of them. Tried as much as she needed to.

„Okay, just try to turn your hand more. Like this.“ He stood next to her, showing the perfect pose of hands for a wide set. „You need to bring it to the other side very fast and in a middle height.“

„That’s a lot of power!“

„Yeah, therefore you have to gain more muscles.“

„Unfair!“

„Just kidding. But with the right technique and giving your body some extra explosive power through jumping, it got easier.“ She nodded.  
  
Tried it again, when he walked over, nine meters ahead.  
They were practising some tossing across this length.

„Oikawa-san“ she suddenly said.

„What?“

„Actually… Why I am doing this…“ she continued, tossing the ball again, „Two reasons. First, it really pisses me off that you’re in such a low state“

„Your language pisses me off more“ he mumbled, rolling his eyes,

„Second, … well, I really loved your plays but most of all that you were such a determined player, although you have that knee issue.  
  
What was she trying to say?  
  
„I mean…“ They tossed again, but now Mayuko caught the ball , held it for a few seconds in her hands and looked on the leather surface, as if she was imagining something in her mind … „I had to change positions, because of that.“ She threw the ball in the air and hit it with a hand smoothly, a soft serve which Tooru could dig without a problem and catch it, too. „I was an outside hitter. And I was good. And I hated it that my coach wanted to put me in defence. It’s not my favourite part of the game. “She exhaled, looked over, because she waited for the next ball. Tooru served it back, a light float, and Mayuko received from over the head. „I thought… meeting you by coincidence… you have made it so far, and I want to know how. Why you didn’t give up? It’s pretty hard right now. “ She tossed it three times, then hit it again — soft spike with spin.

Tooru now caught the ball with his hands, looking up to her.

„What … is your diagnosis?“ he asked, and she shrugged.

„Probably some jumper’s knee or I don’t know. The orthopaedics sucks. They just x-ray you, give you prescriptions and say, that you’re not allowed to play for a while and should give up on being a pro.“ She paused, looking back. „ I don’t know what to do. Volleyball became my life, and I don’t want to give up, yet. So… what did you do? “ Her brave face faltered. Her eyes shown helplessness and Tooru knew that too well. Feeling helpless. „But maybe… it’s not right to ask you. I mean… you have your own suffering.“

Tooru stayed silent for a while, thinking of what he could say and began to toss the ball over his head in accurate, rhythmic motions.

„… Before I got that sick… somehow… it was pretty easy to go on. I had my injury because of overworking and not caring enough for my body. But I was determined to own the world. I wanted to be on top. That’s all I needed to know.“ He held it. „ Still there was a time when I wasn’t so sure about it. I lost my focus. I saw other players, their talent, some geniuses, almost virtuoso of volleyball. I doubted everything I had done so far. My… best friend, my husband , he supported me most and always had some good words to speak when I was exaggerating or lost in self-doubts, but that was something he couldn’t help me with. Choosing your path after school, I mean.  
I… had the chance to meet my idol since elementary school once again. Really , I was overly nervous, asking for his advice but you know , what he had told me? “ Tooru smirked, still looking at the ball over his head which was flying up from his palms and back again into them. „ You can’t do anything about your genetics. If you’re tall, you’re tall. If you’re overflowing with fast twitching muscle fibres, you are. If you’re short or have the lower ones, you have to work more. Theses gifted people will have it easier but there is something which won’t change: If you don’t believe in your chance, that you will make it. That you will win… you can’t. “  
He stopped and exhaled, somehow filled with nostalgia. „Everytime I doubted anything, I put this line in my head. If you have a goal, go for it. You can rest when you’ve tried everything you have!“

Glancing over, Mayuko looked at him with a wondrous face.  
She clearly had not expected that.  
And that was when he realized that he was in the position as Blanco had been, back when.  
Giving an irritated heart some advice.  
  
„So… one more question,“ she said quietly, „Why… did you stop believing in that? “  
  
Tooru’s eyes widened.  
  
„What do you mean?“  
  
„I… I think I understand, what you mean. But… If it’s like that. Why… why did you… why did you stop? You don’t believe in your chances anymore, do you? “ she continued, crossing her arms. „I mean… you just disappeared for more than two years. You never came back. How can you give me such an advice, smiling all generous, and then… just can’t follow that on your own? You know… “ She stepped towards him, taking the ball off his hands. He seemed a bit shocked. „Why are you throwing everything away?“  
  
„I don’t-“  
  
„Sure, you do! You're selling books! “  
  
„It’s a fine profession“ he began to defend himself, „It’s not like-“  
  
„Oikawa-san, please“ she cut him off and looked him in eyes, „Please… do you really want to finish, or… don’t you wanna live it again?“

*****

When he got home, it had become really late.  
After their talk, she said, she needed to head home.  
He had seen her disappointment and sadness.  
And he could understand.  
She needed support and some motivation.  
But even if he told her all he had known… he was just talking.  
  
„Tooru, where’ve you been?“ he was greeted by Hajime who stumbled to the door as he heard the clinging keychain. He looked worried.  
Tooru looked up and… could not hold it back.

„Iwa-chan…“

That was all which was needed to let Hajime know something was wrong. His husband felt like crying and reached his hands out to him, for help.  
Hajime made a step to the side and pointed to the living room. They would talk it out, of course.

„Come in… let’s-“

„Fuck, Hajime, could you just hug me?!“ Tooru burst out suddenly and his face showed some anger between the helplessness. The other flinched and gave him a puzzled look,

„I… Shit I don’t want to talk, I just… I just need your embrace first, idiot!“ Tooru clenched his fists.

_When did it have become so_ complicated?

  
Back when, he would not have hesitated. He had been more impulsive.  
Just… would have pulled him in a tight embrace. Kissing his temples.  
Promising, everything would turn out well.  
And since… yeah, since the therapy Hajime cooled down more. Was observing his reactions, listen carefully to his words… as if…  
  
„I’m not so easily to break, you know!?“ Tooru added.  
  
Hajime’s shoulders lowered. He had seen it through… of course.  
But that sentence was exactly, what Hajime was not so sure about anymore.  
The last years had been exhausting. Somehow happy but also exhausting because of all the stress they had. Tooru’s lethargy, his showing-interest-in-nothing state, his just-doing-any-job-is-fine-state. It got better but it was still hard… and it was even harder to be the supportive part again.  
There haven’t been so much silence between them as there was now.  
Usually, even that felt comfortable, but… it became more and more awkward.  
He tried, too. Hajime tried everything he could but his heart also cooled down.  
Of course, he loved him. Of course, he wanted to be with him. But he felt like being in some crisis.  
He wanted to help his beloved one… but could not.  
Resisted.  
  
„Sorry…“ He stepped to the brunette, put his arms around him. Held him close.

Still, it felt so far…

Hajime swallowed than he was stroking the other’s back, and he could tell because of Tooru’s stiffened pose that he noticed how hard Hajime was fighting.

„You don’t do this by heart…“ Tooru whispered.

„I’m… tired…“ Hajime admitted, „I’m just… freaking tired… “  
  
_Yeah… he was, too!_  
  
„Don’t you think, that I’d rather live a happy cheerful life, too?“  
  
_Urgh… why was he bringing this up now?_  
  
„I’ve never said anything like that“ Hajime’s eyes narrowed as he released him from the embrace.

„But that’s the feeling I have for some weeks now!“ Tooru went on, „It’s like… it’s like I’m too much for you to take!! “  
  
Hajime did not respond.  
That was enough to know…  
  
„Hajime… it’s like I don’t have a husband anymore. I miss it. I miss cuddling with you in the morning. You’re mostly off to work, although it’s pretty early! I miss kissing with you for a few minutes. You only gave me a short one and that’s it, because you’re so busy. I miss having sex with you, you’re… you’re like a girl having PMS the whole month! “  
  
He accused him, insulted him and still… no reply.  
  
„Fuck, Hajime — you are not the one who’s talking to me anymore! You want to talk out stuff all the time but never talk about yourself! Are you so upset? “ Tooru tried everything to get it out of him but… it did not work.  
  
Hajime lowered the head then looked up again.

„I’ll be on a spontaneous field trip, starting from tomorrow. We have an important meet-up because there are a few things which has to be prepared. I’ll be back in three days… “  
  
Tooru stared at him, now clenching his fists.  
He was not serious about this??

„Are you really leaving??“ he yelled in rage and made Hajime stopped in going back to the living room.  
  
„I told you… It’s a field trip. I have to go for. And… I also told you… I’m tired, Tooru. Not of you but of everything around us… I… need that break. “  
  
He was serious.

  
** * **

  
  
Tooru did not even show interest to get up, when Hajime was around 5.15 AM in the morning.  
He heard him going to the bathroom, heard him showering. Then, how he went to the kitchen. Making himself breakfast.  
Tooru laid wide awake in bed, looking at the sheets next to him. Smelling the fading scent of his husband… the warmth…  
  
They had not spoken a word since their argument. Had sat in silence on the couch, next to each other, occupied with reading magazines and watching the TV.  
Hajime had gone to bed earlier, so they also had not said Good Night to each other.  
  
He would leave in 30 minutes.  
  
Tooru closed his eyes.  
He dozed off again and suddenly he was awake again, hearing the sound of fumbling keys.  
  
The door shut.  
  
…  
  
He was gone.  
  
  
His heart began to hurt because of the burden he felt.  
Tooru grabbed his duvet tightly, bitting his lower lip.  
  
_Fuck… how much it hurt…_  
  
They had promised that they would never be gone without saying Goodbye to each other.  
Here they are…  
  
Finally getting up, Tooru walked out of the dark room, walked across the quiet floor.  
There was no sign that Hajime had left in chaos or hastily.  
As if… Tooru had been on his own all along.  
There was not any memo.  
Back when they had written some short messages to each other.  
Hajime was never good with words, but he tried.  
Now… nothing…  
  
Okay…  
  
Tooru inhaled deeply.  
  
Three days…

  
  
** * **

  
  
The silence which was his new friend in the flat began to feel more comfortable.  
The first night was a mess , and he went over to the couch , because he could not find any sleep while his husband was not there in bed , next to him.  
The second day it got better…  
  
Tooru went to work, had an early shift and smiled all the way his professional smile he had to give to the customers. But there was no sign of Mayuko-chan.  
Not yesterday, not today.  
  
„Excuse me, do you have the latest issue of _Nowadays Sports Management_?“ a deeper voice called out and Tooru turned around, wanted to greet the new customer with a friendly face but… dropped it.  
  
  
_Is this the real life?_  
  
  
Like many years ago, when he met Shoyou in Brazil by accident, he now… looked in another familiar face.  
Someone he had never played against, but was well known among the people of the Japan Volleyball Association?  
  
„Oya? Look who’s back from the dead“ Kuroo Tetsurou , standing right in front of Tooru in his dark-blue suit , grinned at the so much heard about rival from school days , he never had the chance to stand opposite the net .  
  
Tooru forced a smile.  
  
„ Yeah , it has been a long time“ He went back to work hastily, „You can find the magazine there, the first shelf on your right “ he pointed and Kuroo’s head turned around a moment.

He nodded. Walking over he grabbed one issue of the magazine and came back. Unfortunately, no other customer was in sight and so Tooru had to deal with him a bit longer.

„How have you been?“ Kuroo asked with honest curiosity.

„As you said: back from the dead“ the brunette replied.

„So you’re out, I guess?“  
  
Of course, Kuroo had heard the rumours back when about Oikawa, being sick and all. But if there was no statement, no official news, you could guess what you want.  
  
„Kind of“, Tooru swallowed and scanned the magazine, so he could come soon to an end.  
  
„You know, I’ve wanted to ask you out as a partner for an upcoming project, supporting the youth volleyball league and all… but when you just disappeared. “  
  
„Yeah, bad timing.“  
  
Tooru named the price and Kuroo pulled out his wallet, paying with coins.  
  
„Would you still be interested?“ he mentioned casually, putting back the change in the small pocket, closed it with the button and throw the wallet back into his briefcase.  
  
„What do you mean?“  
  
„Well… to be honest, I didn’t want to do this with anyone else“  Kuroo replied with a smirk ,  „ The campaign is something we’ re in need of a unique face. Someone who wasn’t a genius or had the money got his back. Someone, who knows what fighting feels like. I thought of Hinata for a moment, but he’s kind of too nonchalantly. Maybe we’ll do it as a duo-campaign. Let’s see. But it’s for sure, that I’d like you to sign the contract. “  
  
Tooru gave him the receipt and looked up. Then… after thinking for a few seconds, he bit his lip.  
  
„I’m not sure if I’m still-“  
  
„The world’s still keeping its eyes on you, Oikkun.“  
  
What was that nickname??  
  
„Oh, you’re sure about it, Kuroo-chan?“ he grinned devilishly back.  
  
„Is it a Yes?“  
  
„Sorry, but I’m good with what I’m doing now.“  
  
„Oh, really? Selling knitting magazines and some porn stuff is your thing? Woha, didn’t know you’re into BDSM stuff“ Kuroo provoked and leant with his elbow on the counter.  
  
„Stop making fun of me. It’s a sincere job. Don’t forget who gave you your literal satisfaction. “  
  
„Shot“ Kuroo laughed, „But are you really okay with that? We’ve never played against each other, but I know it from your interviews and from the Olympics and everything, that you love to have some audience. That you love to be on point of action. You always talked about teaching or something else then you would retire. So… here’s your chance. “  
  
He got back straight again.  
  
„But I guess, I’ll leave that up to you?“ Kuroo turned around, „Hanazaki-san was really babbling about that one day, you know? “  
  
„What? Mayuko-chan? “  
  
Got him.  
  
„What do you have to do with her?“  
  
Kuroo smirked, „She’s one of the candidates for youth Olympian line-up. The association may head her off to the world league.  
Tooru blinked. That was news! „She was head over heels for you — or better, that she met the one who got her into Volleyball. “  
  
He began to walk towards the entrance.  
  
Four…  
  
Three…  
  
Two…  
  
One…  
  
„Wait.“  
  
Chuckling he actually did.  
  
„When will we start?“

** * **

  
  
He was lucky. The next two days he did not have to work and so was able to join the conferences and meetings. There was a lot to do…  
Kuroo had given him his business card and right after his shift, Tooru went to the Japan volleyball association building, pounding heart.  
It was the first time in forever, being here.  
The last time he had to give some interviews with the Argentinean team.  
  
_ Was he crazy? _  
  
Doing something like that… He did not even have a manager anymore! How should he schedule all these things, should know what to say and to do and how explain his long absence?  
But working with Kuroo also means, that he had all the guides along his side.

„Don’t worry. We’ll contact your old sports club in Argentina and will try to get the papers. The association will lend you a hand. I already tried to contact the PR team, and they will meet with you in an hour. “  
  
Tooru was introduced to the different kind of stages, the campaign needed.  
There would be video spots for the commercials, interviews for the magazines and the internet and also different meet ups. Of course, he had to undergo some seminars, but these would be pretty short. The most important fact was working with the youth. The young athletes who were aiming for the top.  
  
Now , set the hare running , and just the third  day of  Hajime ’s business trip,  Tooru had to  give an official live statement.   
  
Coming to this… the first night had been some terror but busy with all that kind of stuff did not leave time to ponder. He sure wanted to write something, wanted to call him, but…  
No, he would not. Hajime said, he needed a rest… and … Tooru also had to made up his mind.  
Really.  
He wanted to do something.  
And if it was only for Mayuko-chan in the end.  
But seeing her in that somehow desperate state, trying to be all tough and fighting… he could not let her down. Not after he had seen her disappointed eyes…  
  
He slid on his seat, a name tag in front of him and glanced. There were a lot of journalists. A lot of professionals. On the long table there was the director of the association, Kuroo — right now talking to some others — and other stranger’s faces.  
His pulse started racing. His cheeks felt hot. So many cameras… mics… yes, he had a meeting before with a PR agent who gave him advice on emergency level, but… still he was nervous.

  
„We’ll start now the press conference“ Kuroo spoke in his mic, standing and therefore appealed to the audience to get quiet.  
Silence took over.  
„We’re  really happy to  announce this  year ’s  new campaign _Youth for Life_ and will  start with some  introduction by the  head of the  association  Mitaka Yousuke , continue to, …“ he presented the whole agenda and then sat down.

The director spoke his words, explained something about the association Tooru was not familiar with, and then addressed to Kuroo again who began to talk about the campaign itself.  
How they wanted to support children and teenager, to motivate them being active in sports and moreover volleyball. Explained some statistics and then went on to the projects partners and introduced special guests. As he was called by his name, Tooru stiffened and felt the tie around his neck too tight.  
Damn it… it was his turn to introduce himself.  
  
„My name is Oikawa Tooru, I’ve been playing for the Argentinean league and the volleyball club of San Juan since 2013. On  my position as a  setter and  my last games as a  captain ,  too ,  I think I have a  wide range of  knowledge which  I ’d be happily share with the  young athletes. Back when in Japan  I also  taught a volleyball class for  children and  I have a really  sassy nephew  — well, had, he’s grown-up now — so  I won’t say that  I can’t get along with  kids or  teens . “  
  
The audience laughed a bit and Kuroo had to smirk.  
Although Oikawa was really nervous, he still had it. The charming smile, this presence. He knew it by heart how to enchant people.  
After the self-introduction, Kurootalked aboutOikawa’s responsibilities during the campaign and also promised to make the needing educational process possible because he had been living a long time oversea which was a worthy fact but alsohehad to learn something about the Japanese sports management system, too.  
After that there was the short 10 minutes Q&A for each guest.  
Hands rose immediately.  
  
Tooru straightened up and waited anxiously for the first question.  
  
„Oikawa-san, it’s great to see you again!“ the journalist began and Tooru thought that he really had seen him somewhere before.  
_ Ah, right! Monthly volleyball it was! _ _  
_They had an interview together, but it was long ago. Tooru smiled and nodded. „I will ask you the main question for everyone here… what happened after the Olympics? Your retirement was spontaneous, and we’ve never gotten a statement of the PR? “  
  
  
_ Of course… _  
  
  
Tooru put his hands together on the table and leaned in to the mic.  
Inhaling he started:  
  
„I had to retire because of my health condition. 2020 I got infected by the pandemic virus in Argentina and nearly made it. I could start over with training but my lunges were impaired by that sickness. Therefore… I had to be replaced during the games and retired immediately. “  
  
„So a come-back in the pro league wasn’t possible?“  
  
„That’s right.“  
  
„We’ve never heard about your whereabouts. It was like you’ve vanished from earth. So… where had you been? “  
  
Tooru’s smile remained, but he thought about his words for a bit. Then… why not?  
  
„I moved in to my partner’s home, at first. I needed to recover physically and mentally. “  
  
„So you stayed in Japan?“  
  
„Yes.“  
  
„How did it come that you never get yourself involved with the association again? As far as I know there are a few rehab programmes they can provide and of course a lot of educational programmes? “  
  
„I wasn’t ready“ Tooru stated, looking up — knowing that everyone was listening carefully now. But there was no point of return and maybe that was better … „I really was a burden for my partner back when. I couldn’t accept that I would never everplay volleyball as a pro again. As I always said, Volleyball is my life. The biggest influence. My goal. My dream.  Unable to play not because of my already damaged knee but because of such a side effect of a virus infection was much more destructive. “ He paused for a bit. „ There was another break of two years until I worked things out professional and started to have a steady life again. For two years I did absolutely nothing, before you wanted to ask. The pain was still too present.  
But… after marrying… well… I didn’t want to be a burden, right? Nobody wants. And so I started working again but on an easier employment base until… I met a young girl who kept nagging me about volleyball and brought me back on track. And then I met Kuroo-san by accident and well… here I am. “

„A girl? Did she say anything special to you? “

„Well…“ Tooru smirked, „He kept shouting in me only one word: Volleyball… That sounds crazy and of course there was more about it, but… she did see right through me that I am still addicted tot that sport and would never lose the feeling for it! Well… she was struggling herself really bad and needed my advice, that’s why she wanted to talk to me in the first place, when she recognized who I was. “

„Thank you very much!“

Tooru nodded.  
Another hand.

„A private question: You’re married? “

The audience smiled and Tooru, too. He lifted his hand with the ring.

„For 3 years now.“

„Congratulations to the bride.“

„I’ll tell him.“

A pause.  
Kuroo giggled.  
  
The conference went on and after, there was a little reception for everyone. Talking, exchanging business cards and other work related stuff, it got really late.  
Because the conference was held in a hotel the guests were offered to spend the night here.  
And so Tooru did.  
He knew, Hajime would return home tonight… but maybe… sleeping in an unknown bed, with an unknown ceiling above his head… he turned his phone off.  
They would meet tomorrow and then… he would Hajime tell everything!  
Lying down, snuggling up in the bedsheets,  Tooru closed his  eyes and for the first  time in forever,  he was  able to fall asleep with a  smile on his  lips .

  
  
*****

  
  
Turning the keys, he noticed that the door was not locked.  
Tooru entered, seeing the black sneakers in the entrance space and looked up.  
  
„Hajime?“ he called.  
  
„Living room“ his answer came back.  
  
Exhaling, he put off his shoes and walked directly across the floor.  
  
His husband sat on the couch, staring on some papers.  
Pretty serious.  
  
„What are you doing? How was your trip? “  
  
Hajime put down the papers and looked at the brunette with a stern expression.  
  
„Where have you been?“ he asked in return and Tooru blinked.  
He glanced over the papers… the marriage document…  
  
„I-I… I had some conferences. “  
  
„Conferences?“  
  
„I…“  
  
  
_ Did he thinkof … divorce? _  
  
  
Tooru’s mind went blank.  
Did Hajime really…  
_ Fuck… _  
  
„I-I met Kuroo Tetsurou the other day! You know the head of the promotion department?  
The former captain of Nekoma High? Well, and he asked me if Iwanted to be part of that brand-new campaign and Iagreed! “ he blurted hastily.  
  
„I saw the press conference.“  
  
Tooru looked startled and blinked.  
_ What? _  
  
„B-But why… did you ask-“  
  
„I wanted to know where you’ve been. Last night. “  
  
„Oh… in a hotel. It was eh… sponsored by the association and it got too late. “  
  
„Ah, I see.“  
  
  
_Was_ _he…_ _ by any means… was he… jealous? _  
  
  
„Hajime.“

„I… was just worried“ Hajime admitted quietly.

„W-What about?“

„You?“  
  
They looked each other in the eye and Tooru sat finally down.  
  
„ _Us_?“ Tooru corrected, looking down on the papers.  
  
Hajime swallowed hard, looked to the side.  
  
„The last three days were just… I don’t know… I was really surprised seeing you in that conference. And… you didn't write to me or called me once?! “  
  
„Because you said, you needed a break“ Tooru replied in the same quiet tone, „I didn’t want to… bother you and I… I also needed the break“ he ran his fingers through his hair, „See… the thing is… Mayuko-chan was right. And… I can’t let her down. She was so disappointed in me and then Kuroo said, that she is one of the athlete candidates for the Olympic team… I should have listened to her beforehand. I should have listened to you, back when.  
I think… I finally get it. I finally understand. “  
  
Hajimes did listen. He had looked up to him, and he believed him.  
Still…  
  
„Hajime… don’t say, you needed the time to think of… divorce? “  
  
The athletic trainer let out a painful sigh and folded his hands.  
  
„I don’t know…“  
  
Silence.  
  
Painful, stabbing silence.  
  
„I saw you at that press conference and… I felt proud of you. Watching you, speaking your mind. Sitting there, seeming so matured. Just… like that. I loved it“ Hajime weakly smiled,  „I saw that sparkle in your eyes I’ve been missing for so long. There’s still angst but… mostly excitement for everything. Especially when you talked about the last years and you noticed that they aren’t against you. That they won’t put words in your mouth. But… you know what bothered me? “  
  
Tooru shook his head.  
  
„That it wasn’t _me_ who could do this. That after all… it wasn’t me who got you back on track. But… this girl, you’ve never met before, did. “  
  
„H-Hajime, don’t tell me, you’re jealou-“  
  
„I’m not jealous!“ he cut Tooru off and hissed, „I’m not. Why should I? You said that she’s a 17-year-old girl and… there’s nothing which justified jealousy! “  
  
„You asked me, where I was…“ Tooru talked back and his shoulder sank, „Hajime… do you really think that I would… _cheat _on you? “  
  
Hajime shook his head again.  
  
„Hajime, _really_?“  
  
„Tooru, my mind’s a mess, okay? I’ve tried to find a solution for your never-ending state of lethargy which drives me crazy and now… you just… plopped out that you’re working for the Volleyball association!? “  
  
„I thought you were happy that I finally had a job? For almost a year now?! “  
  
„Yeah, because you were occupied. But it was nothing you really felt good about, have you? “  
  
Tooru only glanced, opened his lips, but… he could not say anything. Because Hajime was right.  
All the way.

„Tooru… is it… really something you want to do? Tell me… “  
Hajime looked at him intensely, looking him in his eyes, cupping his hand over Tooru’s cheek.  
„Because… I’m at my limit. I’m at my limit and yes… I’m… maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I just have some kind of mental breakdown but yes… I thought about a divorce… “  
  
„Hajime…“ Tooru felt his chest tightened. „We… we will fix it! I… I finally have a perspective. I’ll work in that project and if we come along well, I’ll ask for something fixed! “ he smiled helplessly,  „I’m _better_ now. _Really_. “  
  
„I know… I know… “ Hajime murmured, let his hand fall from Tooru’s cheek and put his head in his palms. „ And… I really don’t want to feel that way… I… I love you. But… I’m just fucking exhausted… “  
Tooru did not dare to stroke the other’s back. He wanted to but did not dare.  
„Tooru, what you said… about… that you don’t feel like we’re married anymore… I miss it, too“ he almost continued whispering. „I… miss it, too. Cuddling. In the morning, in the evening. Kissing, snogging with you. Touching you, caressing you. To sleep with you and just… have that kind of soft or hard sex we’re used to. I really miss it! “ he cried out,  „And instead I’m doing all the opposites. Doing everything which hurt you because… I’m so fucking tired! I want to embrace you and hug you, Tooru. If you need it or… not, I really want! But… but… “  
He broke off, starting sobbing.  
  
„You don’t want a divorce“ Tooru simply stated and tried to stay calm.  
  
„Of course, I don’t“ Hajime whined.  
  
„When don’t you ever think about it!!“ Tooru got louder and grabbed him on his shoulders.  
  
Hajime looked up, staring Tooru in the eye, his own red and a bit puffy.  
His body was trembling, too.  
  
„Hajime… I even… I even changed my name for you! And I wouldn’t have, if I wasn't sure that I love you so much that neither distance nor time zones mattered to me, and I was absolutely — _100 % absolutely_ — constant with that love!! “ Tooru leaned his forehead on Hajime’s and closed his eyes. „ Hajime… Iwa-chan… I have been loving you since high school. That’s more than 15 years. Maybe I’ve been in love much longer. But I realized it during our time at Seijoh. And all the time… you always, always, always held my head over the water. And I’m so grateful for that! And you believed in me! And you were always the tough guy. “Opening his eyes, he blinked a tear of his own away. „ Seeing you in pain… was something I couldn’t have imagined at all. I did once… and… the last months… I saw your suffering… and I’m so sorry… I’m sosorry that I couldn’t be a better partner for you. That I couldn’t … make your days brighter. But… but… I really… I want to do it better! I want to see your smile again! I want… I want _us_ to smile again. “  
  
„Tooru…“  
  
„Please… Hajime… just for once… I… I beg you… _please_ , don’t give up on us. “  
  
Hajime stayed silent for a moment, needed to collect his thoughts, his feelings, everything…  
  
„You’re… really going to do this? “ he asked then again, „The campaign… I mean…? “  
  
„… Yes… “  
  
„You… will really give it try? “  
  
„I will.“  
  
„And… one more thing… “  
  
„Y-yes?“  
  
Hajime got suddenly closer to him, putting his hands on Tooru’s thighs, reaching up to his hip and the touch clearly left his mark on the brunette:  
He blushed instantly, feeling Hajime’s soft hands he had not for so long and gasped a bit for air.  
His husband’s warm breath brushed Tooru’s skin.  
The fingertips wandered up, under the  jacket , over the silken fabric of the  white shirt,  Tooru was  wearing . Reaching with his lips for Tooru’s ear, he finally whispered:  
  
„Will you… allow me, to love you? … _Now_? “

Tooru held his breath. He did not have to think about it twice... his arms reached around Hajime's neck, pulling him close to his body, dragging him on the couch's seating surface and inhaled the familiar and still so infatuating scent of his husband.  
  
„Of course...“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. Mayuko-chan plopped into my mind when I thought of a solution for Tooru to find his way out of darkness...  
> I wanted to write some catchy, little bit annoying but strong girl who just wear her heart on her sleeve.  
> And it was really funny, seeing her interact with Tooru all the way. <3  
> What also was important, was Hajime's emotional state. It will need a lot of time for him, being more relaxed again, to overcome the negative feelings, etc.  
> Dealing with Tooru's problems was nothing he ever complained about, but still it had its price. And of course, the last four years were exhausting. Tooru, who disappeared, to suddenly came back, dealing with his depressive episode, ...  
> That's why he began to isolate himself. Not only to take care of himself but also to beware Tooru of actions and word he would regret...  
> I really hope, they can find a way to beome the


End file.
